Vol 1, Issue 2: the issue in which we notate the complete collapse of this fine school (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief
- Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast
- Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time
- Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid
- CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies.
- Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit
- Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters
- readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition
- Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan
- Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it
- Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go?
- Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death
All this and more, not in this issue!
The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side
Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with adequate rigor to keep them at the forefront of innovation, but it also offers a beautiful campus. With unique sprawling buildings, open walkways, the iconic fence traditionally painted by students, and a library that lights up with rainbow colors at night, Carnegie Mellon is truly a spectacle. One of its …
A Letter from the Editor
Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old laws, we were unable to do that. We are currently litigating in court to be the world's first AI only magazine. We do have some corrections to issue from Issue #1 though. We'd first like to apologize for forgetting to credit on Evie Parke with the icon for the organization. …
Auntie Readme's Advice Column
The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!
should i take a job at lockheed martin if they offer me $300k a year 🤔
Military-industrial complex? I find it quite simple, actually. You and I have very different problems and I am unqualified to advise on yours. I direct you to my official Dietrich merch, reading “My major may not make money, but is too impractical …
Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart
An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.
On November 31, 2023, municipal workers sorting through old zoning documents found the original paperwork submitted by Andrew Carnegie to buy the land which would eventually become Carnegie Mellon University. While looking over the historic document, they discovered a clerical error that meant the 32.78 by 15.659 foot rectangle of land around the Fence had …
CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt
PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.
Twelve twentyfive p.m.
President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”
Four explosions, and four westbound cannonballs fired from Carnegie Mellon’s most archaic weapons, filled the air. Three made contact with the target, while one fell below the skyline, towards the streetscape, to wreak what minimal damage it could.
Three shattered windows were visible against the silhouette of the Cathedral of Learning, …
Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless
Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU representative stated that Donner will, in fact, still be used to house students both this and next year.
Nearly all of Donner was reduced to ash and rubble except for one lone surviving room: the band room for the Carnegie Mellon Kiltie Band. “It really is a miracle,” stated …
Readme Crime Report
README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, so…..
Student Drives Forklift Recklessly, Causes Major Fire
A local student drove a modified forklift carrying two gallons of crude oil into the Tepper School of Business at an alarming speed of 90mph, causing millions in property damage. The glass on the building all shattered, and because CMU has …
The 'car' in Carnegie
Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.
A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et Al revealed that the curbs contiguous with the sidewalks that barely anyone uses serve as a potential hazard towards automobiles passing through, thus the sidewalks had to go, expanding the road’s shoulder in the process.
After the university had finished this construction, Dr. Et Al ran a subsequent analysis, …