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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

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Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

I used to hate French People

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

Some finals traditions!

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Taste-testing Messiahs

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

I wrote this article while sober

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Rabbi hot?! • How to have a hot AI data center summer • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • [REDACTED] • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Tenth dentist speaks out • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Rabbi hot?! • How to have a hot AI data center summer • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • [REDACTED] • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Tenth dentist speaks out • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction