My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot
Dear Reader,
I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.
I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, I forgot all about my heartbreak with Nicky. My heart was caught between the blades of this darling automaton, and I was incredibly, inexplicably in love.
Robomower, you have bewitched me in body and soul. Never has there been a more perfect match. They kill the grass so I …
Hungry?
Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.
Doherty Hall:
Doherty is a year-round favorite for students, and it’s not hard to see why. Being one of the older buildings on campus, the brick has aged in such a way that gives it its signature sweet and sour taste. Coupled with its rough and gritty texture, this brings the overall flavor profile close to …
Derealizating
Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, derealization. No one ever bothered to decide on one term. This is because people who derealizate have bigger nothings not to worry about.
Derealizating is portable. You can take it anywhere. As long as there’s a spot in the distance to stare at, you can peel yourself from this …
Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time
In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:
“There’s a real baddie that sits next to me in the lecture I got then, y’know? You woulda too. Don’t pull that shit where everyone pretends they wouldn’a done the same thing. I know you woulda.”
He also explained that “it’s a four hundred and eighty-five year old tradition and nobody knows why …
Warning
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Am I the bazonkle?
Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its ion mud wash over your antenna follicles. A timeless classic, really, yet for some reason it has been falling out of fashion with other species. Maybe it's because of the pheromones it releases? Who knows.
So here I am, riding the Zoop, and all of a sudden I notice …
Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles
Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.
“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on the quality of our dining when we overheard two freshmen discussing a very interesting idea. Apparently, there’s this thing called the Banach–Tarski paradox—something about cutting a sphere into parts and recombining them and ending up with two of them of the same size, without adding anything. Turns out, that works …
Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates
ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to broadcast their mad ramblings for the whole university to read:
I’ve tried all the doors but none of them seem to open. I walked up and down the spiral, searching for anyone else trapped in Gates, yet I have found no one. Perhaps I will just sit and study …
One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work
The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students are being punished in this manner. Some spent time on r/ Applying2College in high school, others applied to make their parents love them, and one or two even “really like the school” and “wanna follow their dreams”.
You have already grasped that the Carnegie Mellon student is an absurd …
Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon
Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.
However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific arrangement of particles that must have been an exact replica of Carnegie Mellon floating free in space some couple million years ago.
If that seems impossible, you’re not alone. Dr. Fizicks Nuerhd was startled, too, but explains that while incredibly unlikely, it is fully possible for random atoms floating …
School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms
PITTSBURGH, PA
As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM administrators have revealed that they plan to use cutting-edge experimental portal technology to open a gateway into the Backrooms, where they will eventually move the practice rooms. “After careful deliberation, we have decided that the practice rooms were actually not difficult enough to find,” wrote one administrator, “so in upholding …
Entropy+ Dissolves
Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by the Second Law of Thermodynamics, Entropy+ was bound to get increasingly more disordered until it could no longer maintain itself, scattering into the wind.
However, the Laws of Thermodynamics do offer a counterpoint: energy may be used to restore a system. Denizens of Entropy+ may have noticed that, in …
Another Night in Pittsburgh
The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at the blank paper on my mahogany desk, eluded, baffled, and with an unrelated stubbed toe, when a woman knocks on my door. Genevieve, she called herself.
She was all legs, except for the part of her that was her torso. Also the part of her that was her arms. …
A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU
Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous screech upon impact was rather similar to my own reaction towards events soon to be detailed.
Specifically, last night, the Fence was unexpectedly painted with the phrase “No Murders on Our Campus.” After much deliberation, I made the decision to have this message removed. The Fence is a prominent …
Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD
Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?
A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, I relate this to my slutty little waist. My waist is so slutty, and if you want to find out more you can contact me at 412-
Q: I don’t see how your waist is relevant. Now, which of your classes do you enjoy the most?
A: My …
Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer
With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing shareholder value. Invite all your LinkedIn mutuals to a fangtastic networking event!
The decor, food, and activities are important here. They need to say “trick or treat” while also saying “hire me”. Guests can bring bowls of candy with their CV printed on every wrapper. Morally bankrupt attendees can …
I called Pitt Police to CMU
Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. (Don’t worry, we mostly don’t mean “throw” literally.) Stay tuned to see how CMU PD compares in our next issue.
First, Readme’s investigative journalists needed a crime for Pitt Police to solve. This need was not left needed for very long at all, when Readme’s very own Chimothy Yachtsson …
Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation
It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from my lip.
It may seem sexy, slinking around the city's underground with an orange-tipped cig and a mean look, but the health impacts are no joke. Throat cancer would put me out of more than one business, and I can't go hacking and coughing sitting behind a painting with …
Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud
Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” stand at the intersection of Forbes and Morewood on the day of the death.
“It started off as a completely normal day,” Susan reported. “God had sent me someone to test my patience and strength of faith – a godless CMU student who was trying to debate the date …
Thieving Mice
For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle and never paid for. But such lowly crimes do not even fall within my purview – I am concerned with something bigger than any of you could possibly imagine.
I’m a hardened criminal, with nerves of steel and a quick thinking mind that has gotten me out of quite …
SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones
In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:
The unchecked proliferation of academic weapons has created a toxic and psychologically hazardous learning environment in schools across the nation. This is evidenced by an epidemic of anxiety and diminished self-esteem among non-weapon students, resulting in increased healthcare costs—something Congress cares deeply about—and decreased national productivity, a clear burden on interstate commerce.
…
On buying a minifridge
Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one of the cool kids on your floor, especially for late night shenanigans (shut up shut up SHUT UP you weren’t supposed to mention it). That being said, it’s important to make sure that you pick the right minifridge for you and your needs!
The number one most important thing …