The Lottery
The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery took only about two hours, so it could begin at nine o’clock in the morning and still be through in time to allow the students to get to Revolution Noodles prior to the crowds that would inevitably gather for lunch.
The first-years assembled first, naturally. Most of the students …
I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning
The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling on colonial structures. The statistics reveal undeniable systematic barriers, arbitrarily imposed by society and the office of admissions, that have funneled a brilliant, diverse workforce away from this hallowed institution.
You’ll see me at any Women in CS events in a hoodie, ethically produced of course, a cup of …
I Just Shat Myself in a Macys
Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies
I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where the bathroom was
There is no bathroom in this Macys
I really have to poop
But there is not bathroom
I just shat myself
I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence
When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled on the couch with a monitor depicting Tank’s sleeping face. I tried to parse my fuzzy memories, but I had no idea how I ended up there.
When I stood up, I felt a cool breeze hit the back of my legs. It struck me as strange, considering I …
I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing
My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I ate the whole box of tic tacs. Please help I am now glowing radioactive. (I also ate a glow stick but that is probably unrelated) THe gllowies got to me heheherwhehhehreweherwherwhewehwehwhehwehwhehwhehwhehehhe hehwehewhewhehewhewhewhehehehwhehewehewhhehehehheewrhherw . Thbey are going to send me to an institution hehehehehe. WIth the glowies. The glowie jail they …
Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?
Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
1. Check your phone.
This should go without saying.
2. Check your surroundings.
Make sure you’re alone. Use any means necessary. Tough luck to any others around, but it’s the name of the game. Trust me: If they’d woken up before you, they would have checked that …
I wrote this article while drunk
It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My dignity’s in the trash too. Anyways, my laptop screen is blindingly bright and my roommate’s just fallen asleep again. They woke up just to yell at me for arriving back at this unholy hour.
Why do I do this? Not because I’m an alcoholic. An alcoholic could never sustain …
Argumentative Essay
In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to use the skills this course has emphasized in order to advance my supposedly informed perspective. But I believe this is a poor approach, and I suggest an alternative, hopefully without ceding the 20% of my final grade which this paper comprises.
In 2009, former president Barack Obama famously invited …
Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices
If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths of the CaPS offices and lived to tell the tale. I will give you one piece of advice: if you are ever brave enough to go back, it’s possible that you’ll never return.
As many know, the first floor of E-Tower is home to old counseling offices long left …
Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings
PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position on the swings akin to that of a capsized frog. The student then used the tangential inertia of their torso as they swung to push their mouth over their genitals, a move described by onlookers as “kinky” and "actually kinda impressive.”
As the student continued to autofellate, they had …
Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop
PITTSBURGH, PA
(Whis L. Blower)
In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa Whis, what's up with the hostility right out of the gate? Aren't you supposed to be an unbiased arbiter of the truth?" to which I would say, yes, but I am also craving mediocre fried chicken. So I am jealous.
Further details have revealed that the Senate, through a …
Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch
It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. Whatever the circumstance, the sun has set and you feel like the steaming hot pile of garbage outside Donner. Naturally, the best solution is to call your parents, right? WRONG. And if you thought that for even a moment, then the only reason you should be anywhere near CMU is …
I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog
Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep
Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty Dog
Underneath his kilt so tartan bright
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy Farnam had only seen mommy kissing Scotty Dog last night
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Farnam had only seen mommy kissing Scotty Dog last night
So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls
It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the free speech and expression the university endeavors to achieve through The Fence.
CMU’s Fence policy explicitly mandates the use of a class of devices known as “brushes”:
The Fence may only be hand-painted with paint brushes. [Article II.D.1.a]
The Oxford English Dictionary (operated by my own …
Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures
Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.
“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. “The registration process was traumatic, let me tell you. 3:45 pm registration time, and I had to watch as the good slots trickled away, one by one. 2 pm lecture taken at 3:30. The only lecture left was at… 8 am.”
At this point, he started shuddering, and was …
I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute
It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was God. Or the police. Or the police acting in service of God. But no, it was far worse and stranger.
When I woke up, I was lying on a steel table in the Mellon Institute. You know, the only building with sixty-two columns that’s not in Greece, though it’s …
I wrote this article while sober
We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. Play some some tetris. All the blocks fit in together. So perfect. The line, it disappeared. Why? Why did it go? Awayyy. The lights are too bright. Like life. Psshhh. I’m a coward.
Read Me's Recipes from Last Night
The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka
The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.
The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• A shot of tequila with a depressed lime and salt spilled into the drink
• “Arriba, abajo, acentro, adentro”
The Wedding Crasher:
• Four shots of Tequila
• Two shots of Bailey’s
• Pepsi and Milk to Taste
• Four regrettable text messages
The Amnesty Call:
• Two …
Wait, people actually read this?
Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?
I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this magazine out to weigh down the newspaper stands so they don’t blow away in the harsh Pittsburgh weather. I thought that perhaps a passing student could make a fun ReadMe paper hat to amuse themselves in passing, but I never thought someone would read it.
Let me get this …
Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer
EVERETT, WA
After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers used on Boeing’s assembly lines. Keeneyed observers have been quick to note that the new printers are the exact same model as the previous ones, just more expensive now that they’ve gone off sale. “Money really can solve problems,” said one Boeing research executive, gesturing to images of the new …
The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding
As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office is said to follow.
After several Tartan war correspondents were parachuted into various global conflicts, tragedy arose. The first wave was killed almost immediately by snipers, indirect artillery fire, and trench foot. Editor-in-chief Arden Ryan promised several weeks later to address the situation through the proper channels set up …
President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be
This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most important speech.
“I’m here today to warn you about the impending military industrial complex,” the president said solemnly. “It’s gonna be fucking lit, so be prepared for the levels of unprecedented awsomeness some of y'all youngins will see in your lifetime.”
The military industrial complex, or MIC (not …
My mommy says I can't go to war
My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.
My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in war.
My mommy said I can’t drive the tank.
My mommy said I can’t have a gun.
My mommy said I can’t die on the battlefield in a drawn out war for my country.
So no Mr. Recruiter, I will not give you my name.