Taste-testing Messiahs
Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them strung up in the public square or torn apart by horses.
But first, we always make sure to taste test the would-be savior. We know, after all, that whoever we accept as our savior, we'll have to taste a little bit of every Sunday for the rest of our …
An Open Letter to William Shakespeare
How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!
Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.
Thy plays draw foolish sheep like flies to mead,
Deserting Sunday mass for comedy.
Marry, that time is better spent to read
That holy, worthy folio, ReadethMe!
To lull the mind with idle merriment
Shall push literacy into decline.
Thy noble patron in his …
Interwar Update
Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing what gives the populace joy. We had always worried that our affiliation with a “KGB” might someday cast unwarranted suspicion on us, though. We’d like to explain how we’re relatively harmless, but the Kennedy administration is refusing to hear us out. Until that time, you'll just have to bear with …
Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition
The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve its output, but the fallout has been dire.
The Readme office, once a vibrant den of inspired madness, resembles a UPMC autopsy center. Editors, now tragically lucid, are unable to reach their highs of maniacal, drug induced criticism. Writers are submitting coherent, factchecked articles that one disgusted reader criticized …
CMU was always a social experiment
Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.
At the start of the 20th century, unethical experimentation was rampant. People were subjected to conditioning after Pavlov was able to train his dogs. Before John B. Watson’s experiment conditioning a nine-month-old infant to fear fluffy things, the behavioralists had another idea – starting a university where the only objective …
Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"
Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his week’s ration of a single bag of artisanal dehydrated kale chips. Kevin, thank you for joining us. What's the situation like inside Donner?
Kevin: Well, Larry, it's pretty dire. The power and heating in half the building is out, which means we’ve had to put fourteen people in each …
Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms
DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far away to cause any gravitational disruptions, professors are still drowning in capstones about how said black hole affects the futures of every single major. “Grading is somehow more repetitive than usual,” states one anonymous TA. “There’s usually some variety, but when we’re all gonna die tomorrow, that’s the only thing …
Buggy: An Introduction
So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:
1) You are short
2) You went up to the wrong table during club fair, but you didn’t realize and already took a lollipop, so you can’t do anything now except politely scan the QR code
3) You got so lost in Doherty that you ended up in the Stever basement
4) You are a mechanical engineering …
The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord
Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.
Tip 1: Your new home might have several maintenance issues, chipped paint, or a kitchen faucet that is held on by a stick of gum and one nondenominational prayer. DO NOT REPAIR THIS. Many tenants will complain about the so-called “landlord special” of painting over problems instead of properly addressing them. To avoid …
Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you
It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.
You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.
Does Squeaky have rabies? you ask yourself. No, Squeaky doesn’t. What does Squeaky have? Courage. Gumption. Chutzpah. Probably the confidence to make a phone call. Maybe even the confidence to leave a message.
Shouldn’t this squirrel (let’s call him Sir Nutsworth) be afraid of humans and cars? You are a …
Andrew Carnegie had the right idea
People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.
I considered wearing women's underwear instead, because shopping for women's underwear makes me feel very straight thoughts and I enjoy it a lot. But then if the boys saw me wearing soft, silky lace undergarments, they would think I'm gay, which is a problem, because the boys are very homophobic.
My solution up …
Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming
Abstract
Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the conditions required for the promotion of mold growth are already present in a dorm room. The main deficiency, however, is adequate moisture. Hence, most of this study focused on increasing the moisture content of a standard dorm room. Multiple methods were tested for increasing the moisture content of a dorm …
So you've heard of 122?
So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else laughs and makes joyful conversation. They might even crawl someplace dark and quiet, like a sick cat hiding under your bed waiting to die. Wondering why? Well, it might just be 122.
Taking care of a friend with 122 is tricky. You want to communicate that you sympathize with …
Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion
A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient X tosses and turns in their luxurious quad beneath a red velvet blanket. Lavender handkerchiefs have been supplied for Patient X to delicately hack up blood into. Mudge Mansion RAs implore Dining Services to make a thin gruel for Patient X to subsist on, for they have no stomach for …
Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually
If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m sure you’ve been told about some of the benefits; a great community, parties, hands on experience, parties, engineering experience, and parties. I’m here to tell you the real benefits of being a mechanic: waking up at 4 am.
Do you have problems sleeping? Worry no more. After a few …
New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students
Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.
SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had already begun to notice the markings of a gifted child. According to Anderson’s mother, Sheila, “Lily would sit there for hours solving algebraic equations. If a kid asked to play with her, she’d cover her ears and drown out the sound of their voice until they walked away. I think …
Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip
The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four boats had fallen somewhat behind, and it was unclear what was causing the delay. One junior reported, “I could see the boats rocking back and forth, feathers were flying in the air, and a few minutes later we heard a splash. On the bus back, some of the people from …
CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze
It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.
We attempted to interview one student partaking in the trend on the Mall. "I've started guzzling my clear sloppy style," he stated. "I'm getting it everywhere. Dripping down my chin, my chest, splashing up on my forehead, ohfuck." The student proceeded to slam back a full, dewy Nalgene of cold water, splattering it across the dry sidewalk.
We …
Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)
Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before the deadline.
Repopulate the steam tunnels with bacteria from one spore colony.
Attend a meeting for one of the clubs you’re on the mailing list for.
Talk to Pitt students without being arrogant.
CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!
Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with eyes full of curiosity and wonder, expecting to be inspired by CMU SCS’s great intellectual minds that will push the boundaries of computer science, dragging the world into an age of technological progress. But, as you approach your fellow computer scientists, hoping to discuss the absolute state-of-the-art discoveries within the …
A Disease for Every Department
CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: Black lung
MechE: Traumatic brain injury
Dietrich
CMIST: Spanish flu
Econ: No disease; paid for quick healthcare, let the poor die
English: Long COVID and bisexuality
History: Consumption
LCAL: Chlamydia
Neurosci: Syphilis
Philosophy: Abdominal brewery syndrome
Psychology: Toxoplasmosis
SDS: Addiction
Stats: Foodborne illness
Heinz
IS: Old age
…
CMU Cancelled, Go Home
Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!
Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid
Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.
We've used our decades of collective experience to compile CMU's most comprehensive guide to getting in the kilt of the nearest warm body on campus. You can trust you're getting the real deal: for the 10th year in a row, the Wall Street Journal has ranked us as having more staffers …
A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"
It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the attractiveness of freshmen) confidently strutting your way, smelling like a middle schooler who's just discovered Axe body spray, taking time during every stride to make sure your chest and/or groin hasn't gone anywhere in the meantime.
Time freezes. You've found someone who read the sex guide. Don't bother hitting …