5-Hour Transgender
From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy 8 AMs where you wish there was a little something stiff in your pants to wish you a good morning. With 5-Hour Transgender, your birth certificate is no barrier to presenting as any gender you choose for a short amount of time, without the cost and complications of traditional transness.
…Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation
Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an air cannon. Formations dressed in solid tartan plaid rush the stage as a second attack group shatters the windows above to your right. Shots are fired, Honk dies in a cloud of stuffing. Iliano is rushed away, leaving a first-time TA in charge of the lecture, which continues on at …
Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries
Day 1:
Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more options in case some delivery got botched.
However, it was a really great time! Most of my orders came from University of Pittsburgh students, who were all really sweet. Everybody around that university just radiated positivity and kindness, and were super understanding whenever I faced traffic. One girl even …
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie
Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With the foundation of Carnegie Institute of Technology in 1900, overworking spread from the steel mills to the classroom. Carnegie’s famous quote, “my heart is in the work,” has been taken quite literally, with Celsius-sponsored heart attacks now driving school production 126 years later.
Carnegie also had indirect influence – …
Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking
Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving parents, no prospect, no future, and he has been listening to AI Batman to help him overcome his chronic procrastination.
“So… now what?” asked Bob.
Well, you might jump to the obvious answer – Bob should start Binge Drinking. He gotta keep drinking until his problems seem to …
Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"
Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the power to share information into the hands of everyday citizens, the bottleneck of a select few journalists to uncover and distribute truth is no longer a profitable point at which to rent-seek.
So what comes next? The board of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has some ideas. On Tuesday, they'll be …
A Novel Approach to Union Busting
Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. Recent events regarding a certain Pittsburgh newspaper owned by a certain set of twin brothers from Ohio have only served to emphasize this.
The U.S Supreme Court, in an affront to the enterprising American spirit, had ruled in favor of ungrateful striking journalists, forcing the owners to negotiate with …
Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market
Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. Treat them with the reverence they deserve, and you shall be rewarded. When they make you buckets of money, I want half.
AI Doors
Doors are everywhere in modern life. So I find it a deplorable reflection of the sorry state of the “free market” that up till …
Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man
Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble when I happened to go past a ratha interesting section.” Judd had always admired Blanc’s southern drawl, reminding of his boyhood obsession with cowboys and the south and ten-gallon hats. He loved ten gallon hats, he even knew that they derived from the spanish phrase Tan Galan. “Oh yeah? What …
Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math
Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal math during Structure of Materials. Mr. Amstutz, who lives in Fairfax 274 and leaves his door unlocked between 4 and 10 PM, wishes to remain anonymous, and so henceforth will be referred to as “Greg.”
Though Greg contacted us by mistake, after a little interrogation he confessed his fears …
A College Student's Guide to saving money
As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the unfortunate position of being “broke”. Because of this, I have compiled my top money saving tips.
I hope that this can help some unfortunate people, especially my roommate who I caught re-wearing outfits.
Phones are rechargeable
I used to buy a new cellular phone every time mine …
Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery
With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.
Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various negative emotions such as stress, sadness, pain, jealousy, and others I don’t really care to list. Examining the misery report from last finals season, CMU generated a large portion of its misery output from stress, which has one of the highest known misery conversion ratios. Stress achieves this by decaying …
An Open Letter to CaPS
It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting time of year comes an increased number of calls to CaPS, the university’s counseling and psychological services. Now, I know that finals can be an annoying time for CaPS with all these kids calling, whining about their “mental struggles.” I understand, it gets tiring. Since when did CaPS become the …
My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over
I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English class. Like, this discrimination is going to kill my QPA.
From the very beginning, I could just tell that this professor and I were going to have problems. First, we’re sitting in lecture on the first day of class. The professor is droning on and on about the syllabus. …
Christmas tips for children of divorce
Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps to maximize your holiday experience:
Wait for your parents to start dating again. This process may take some years, but make sure to encourage them every step of the way. Say things like “Of course I don’t have a problem with you dating a woman twenty years younger than …
