One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work
The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students are being punished in this manner. Some spent time on r/ Applying2College in high school, others applied to make their parents love them, and one or two even “really like the school” and “wanna follow their dreams”.
You have already grasped that the Carnegie Mellon student is an absurd …
Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates
ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to broadcast their mad ramblings for the whole university to read:
I’ve tried all the doors but none of them seem to open. I walked up and down the spiral, searching for anyone else trapped in Gates, yet I have found no one. Perhaps I will just sit and study …
Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD
Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?
A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, I relate this to my slutty little waist. My waist is so slutty, and if you want to find out more you can contact me at 412-
Q: I don’t see how your waist is relevant. Now, which of your classes do you enjoy the most?
A: My …
Another Night in Pittsburgh
The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at the blank paper on my mahogany desk, eluded, baffled, and with an unrelated stubbed toe, when a woman knocks on my door. Genevieve, she called herself.
She was all legs, except for the part of her that was her torso. Also the part of her that was her arms. …
Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer
With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing shareholder value. Invite all your LinkedIn mutuals to a fangtastic networking event!
The decor, food, and activities are important here. They need to say “trick or treat” while also saying “hire me”. Guests can bring bowls of candy with their CV printed on every wrapper. Morally bankrupt attendees can …
Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation
It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from my lip.
It may seem sexy, slinking around the city's underground with an orange-tipped cig and a mean look, but the health impacts are no joke. Throat cancer would put me out of more than one business, and I can't go hacking and coughing sitting behind a painting with …
A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU
Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous screech upon impact was rather similar to my own reaction towards events soon to be detailed.
Specifically, last night, the Fence was unexpectedly painted with the phrase “No Murders on Our Campus.” After much deliberation, I made the decision to have this message removed. The Fence is a prominent …
I called Pitt Police to CMU
Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. (Don’t worry, we mostly don’t mean “throw” literally.) Stay tuned to see how CMU PD compares in our next issue.
First, Readme’s investigative journalists needed a crime for Pitt Police to solve. This need was not left needed for very long at all, when Readme’s very own Chimothy Yachtsson …
SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones
In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:
The unchecked proliferation of academic weapons has created a toxic and psychologically hazardous learning environment in schools across the nation. This is evidenced by an epidemic of anxiety and diminished self-esteem among non-weapon students, resulting in increased healthcare costs—something Congress cares deeply about—and decreased national productivity, a clear burden on interstate commerce.
…
On buying a minifridge
Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one of the cool kids on your floor, especially for late night shenanigans (shut up shut up SHUT UP you weren’t supposed to mention it). That being said, it’s important to make sure that you pick the right minifridge for you and your needs!
The number one most important thing …
![[TODO]](/media/vol4/issue5/images/manwithknifehand_01NbpPq.png)
Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud
Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” stand at the intersection of Forbes and Morewood on the day of the death.
“It started off as a completely normal day,” Susan reported. “God had sent me someone to test my patience and strength of faith – a godless CMU student who was trying to debate the date …
I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning
The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling on colonial structures. The statistics reveal undeniable systematic barriers, arbitrarily imposed by society and the office of admissions, that have funneled a brilliant, diverse workforce away from this hallowed institution.
You’ll see me at any Women in CS events in a hoodie, ethically produced of course, a cup of …
The Lottery
The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery took only about two hours, so it could begin at nine o’clock in the morning and still be through in time to allow the students to get to Revolution Noodles prior to the crowds that would inevitably gather for lunch.
The first-years assembled first, naturally. Most of the students …
Thieving Mice
For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle and never paid for. But such lowly crimes do not even fall within my purview – I am concerned with something bigger than any of you could possibly imagine.
I’m a hardened criminal, with nerves of steel and a quick thinking mind that has gotten me out of quite …
I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence
When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled on the couch with a monitor depicting Tank’s sleeping face. I tried to parse my fuzzy memories, but I had no idea how I ended up there.
When I stood up, I felt a cool breeze hit the back of my legs. It struck me as strange, considering I …
I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing
My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I ate the whole box of tic tacs. Please help I am now glowing radioactive. (I also ate a glow stick but that is probably unrelated) THe gllowies got to me heheherwhehhehreweherwherwhewehwehwhehwehwhehwhehwhehehhe hehwehewhewhehewhewhewhehehehwhehewehewhhehehehheewrhherw . Thbey are going to send me to an institution hehehehehe. WIth the glowies. The glowie jail they …
Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?
Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
1. Check your phone.
This should go without saying.
2. Check your surroundings.
Make sure you’re alone. Use any means necessary. Tough luck to any others around, but it’s the name of the game. Trust me: If they’d woken up before you, they would have checked that …
I Just Shat Myself in a Macys
Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies
I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where the bathroom was
There is no bathroom in this Macys
I really have to poop
But there is not bathroom
I just shat myself
I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute
It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was God. Or the police. Or the police acting in service of God. But no, it was far worse and stranger.
When I woke up, I was lying on a steel table in the Mellon Institute. You know, the only building with sixty-two columns that’s not in Greece, though it’s …
Argumentative Essay
In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to use the skills this course has emphasized in order to advance my supposedly informed perspective. But I believe this is a poor approach, and I suggest an alternative, hopefully without ceding the 20% of my final grade which this paper comprises.
In 2009, former president Barack Obama famously invited …