The Man, The Myth, The Farnam
Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely operate a scissor lift? A man who can fight off great white sharks with his feet zip tied behind his back?
Well, this amazing and wonderful man is none other than Farnam Jahanian (also known to students as “J-Dog”, “Big Man Jahanian”, “MC Farns”, “Farney”, among many other things). …
Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines
In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.
“How tall are you?”
“Can you get inside?”
“Are you inside?”
“How well do you fit?”
“Do you have any short friends?”
“We might need to violate your feet.”
“We love freshmen. The more freshman the merrier.”
“Meet me at stever basement 4 am for fun times ;)”
“Ignore the trash bags covering everything.”
…Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm
As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article before room choices were due but then you’d have taken our advice when choosing your room.
Boss and McGill Houses - Your classic dorms. Both buildings are exactly the same. You’ll be in a quantum state of living in both buildings at once, which is great for having two …
Welcome to Pittsburgh!
The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.
A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen CMU students — strangers to the excesses of Sin City.
“I’m from New York City where there's only a grassy field, two cows, and a gay club called ‘Club Diesel’,” commented one CMU student, “so seeing the towering skyscrapers of Pittsburgh was really different.” A second new student continued, …
A letter from the Editor
It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free time a month. Naive enough that you'll believe anything you're told. Which is a big problem if anyone gets to you before we do.
So listen up, 'cause we've got some advice. First, the best thing you can do to acclimate is find the biggest guy on your floor …
An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture
As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from being crushed by all the knees of hopeful romantics popping the question. If you’re lucky, you’ll be on one side of this ritual or the other before March rolls around. If you’re unlucky, you’ll have to watch droves of men (and lesbians) dropping to their knees and wonder: “when will …
Making Money on Campus
The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the loss of your right arm, there’s a pretty reliable solution to the loss of your life savings. That solution, also applicable to most of life’s problems, is drugs.
It is a well known fact that CMU boasts the highest number of student drug addicts on this side of the …
OCs Accidentally Create a Cult
Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and an incident regarding Welch students and a penguin from the Pittsburgh zoo.
It is believed that the chaos started Tuesday during an Etower rally. A sudden thunderstorm forced events to be held inside for several hours. Orientation leaders led students in chants ranging from “Who’s got the power?” to …
Dear Alumni:
Dear CMU alumni,
I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to tell you that we wish you'd just die already.
We need money. CMU is trying to starve us out, and stealing random first-years' IDs for print budget just doesn't pay the bills like it used to. We considered writing you a sincere little note about your cool little job …
Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'
Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.
Students at the University of Pittsburgh, henceforth Pitt because I’m not writing all that (I’m a business student don’t blame me), historically had low conceptions of CMU. Pitt students think CMU students work on problem sets and… yeah, that’s about it. CMU students don’t sleep, party, or talk to each other at all …
Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office
The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for weeks. While students and faculty are mourning the loss of several upstanding members of the CMU community, they're also relieved to have an answer as to why so many delays occurred during preparations for Booth. "SCC was so slow to put out the form for booth chairs," one student stated …
Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus
Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.
Schatz has acquired its first Michelin star.
The premiere dining experience on CMU’s campus is Schatz dining hall. We recommend alumni enjoy a delightful supper. However, be aware that the dress code is strictly enforced, and anything less than a suit will get you evicted from the premises. They didn’t pay for 2nd-floor window …
Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly
When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by Zampanò’s Literature club. During the structural check, it was discovered that the booth was a quarter inch bigger on the inside when compared to the outside.
ZLC’s booth, themed after the hit documentary The Navidson Record, seemed laughably simple upon first glance. The walls are painted pitch black and …
Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival
Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring schtick of screaming “FIRE” or yelling at hungover people through a megaphone. Not to worry, for the past thousand years I have been honing myself in the art doing a little trolling. So, let me tell you some of my favorite gags and gaffs to pull at Carnival.
First …
How to tell if your classmates peaked in college
As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”
To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who peaked in university.
1. Are they a grad student?
Grad students are just people who peaked so hard in college they’re spending a few hundred grand to avoid leaving. Instead of building new lives, starting families, growing savings, they are just doing the one thing they know best: …
SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings
SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:
STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.
TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In Headlights capacity. Looking for committed actors, authentic anxious wrecks, to maintain SDC external reputation. Build secret sharers will be BOOTED, protectors HANDSOMELY REWARDED. Apply direct: prepare lip-quiver for inspection.
FIELD TRAINING – Splendid opportunities to train youths in ag. trade of hay growing, cutting, baling. Short training; constant vacancies; …
The Hunt
The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate tradition generation. Buggy racing, a sport originating from gilded-age fraternity brothers drunkenly racing each other down hills in buggies (Western Pennsylvania English for “shopping cart”), is probably the most well known tradition originating from this campus. However, there are many more that aren’t as well known: Painting the fence, “Gazorching,” …
People you don't want to be alone in a booth with
A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while I sleep
An older brother (the bane of many people’s [mine included] existences)
A United Airlines staff member (if Carnival is overfilled)
A human trafficker (if, unlike me, you have strength or sex appeal)
Your stalker
A smooth criminal
That friendly guy you know whose name you feel guilty for …
SCC preps for Carnival
As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally all of the important deadlines (it’s hard to keep track with the time zones) or their cowardliness in the face of rain. SCC only gets about 17 inches of rain per year, in comparison to Pittsburgh’s 43.
As the building of booths on Midway continued, Readme checked up on …
NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths
Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.
It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.
“It was insane. I went in thinking it was gonna be the usual. No natural lighting, no furniture, and one of those heaters that sounds like the Bombing of Dresden,” Novak recalled, still visibly shaken. “But then…I saw them…”
Novak, who pays $2,700 a month for a 100-square-foot apartment on the Lower East Side, was …
Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo
Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact based, objective review.
The course has two instructors, both appear to be super-super-super-super-seniors. It is concerning that StuCo allows instructors to teach when they clearly are unable to graduate from CMU in a timely manner. Furthermore, the course seems to have a third instructor in the form of a …
Ranking CMU's presidents
Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that this university survived another century, and for that, he deserved to be our first S tier president.
Thomas S. Baker (1922–1935): CMU's official website describes Mr. Baker as "giving Carnegie Tech a chance to breath," a typo which is ironic in light of Baker Hall's close connection with CMU's …
Some Popular Books
Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.
This guide includes a detailed map of Doherty Hall, soon to be recognized as a National Endangered Animal Refuge, due to its status as the home of the Doherty Creature. It also has step by step instructions to approaching the Creature without losing limbs, ligaments, or livers. It also provides dozens …
Candidates for a 51st State
In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As such, there’s been much talk down in Washington about returning to our roots by colonizing and annexing another country. With our president eyeing such tantalizing targets as Greenland, Canada, and Gaza, our staff have combed through all 195 countries, give or take and picked out choice countries to storm by …