4 Hacks to get an extension
It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. Great. On top of this, you’re starting to feel a disturbing sense that all your final projects are due in the same week. Nauseatingly, you’re also starting to realize that all your final exams are during the week after. Crazy how that happens. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, especially …
CMU Finals rife with cheating
A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through the head of the person in the next row and view their exam paper. Knowing such a pursuit would be laughably fruitless, the proctor at first paid this strange behavior no mind. However, as the cheater continued to glance back down at their exam paper and back up at the …
Homework Trouble
Dear Professor Choset,
I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and talked and did everything a robot should. I was jumping for joy, excited to show you and the other students of 16311 my technological marvel. But what happened, Professor Choset, was that another mechanical creature ran up to my project and tore it asunder! I looked at the little fiend’s …
Interview with a recent grad
Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.
Could you state your name for the record?
Oh, I didn’t think that far ahead. Uh, give me a second…
Did…did you forget your own name?
Shut up. Just call me Engineer or something. Why do you wanna know anyways? What ever happened to privacy? People these days I …
Am I the bazonkle?
Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its ion mud wash over your antenna follicles. A timeless classic, really, yet for some reason it has been falling out of fashion with other species. Maybe it's because of the pheromones it releases? Who knows.
So here I am, riding the Zoop, and all of a sudden I notice …
Derealizating
Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, derealization. No one ever bothered to decide on one term. This is because people who derealizate have bigger nothings not to worry about.
Derealizating is portable. You can take it anywhere. As long as there’s a spot in the distance to stare at, you can peel yourself from this …
Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time
In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:
“There’s a real baddie that sits next to me in the lecture I got then, y’know? You woulda too. Don’t pull that shit where everyone pretends they wouldn’a done the same thing. I know you woulda.”
He also explained that “it’s a four hundred and eighty-five year old tradition and nobody knows why …
Hungry?
Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.
Doherty Hall:
Doherty is a year-round favorite for students, and it’s not hard to see why. Being one of the older buildings on campus, the brick has aged in such a way that gives it its signature sweet and sour taste. Coupled with its rough and gritty texture, this brings the overall flavor profile close to …
My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot
Dear Reader,
I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.
I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, I forgot all about my heartbreak with Nicky. My heart was caught between the blades of this darling automaton, and I was incredibly, inexplicably in love.
Robomower, you have bewitched me in body and soul. Never has there been a more perfect match. They kill the grass so I …
Warning
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Entropy+ Dissolves
Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by the Second Law of Thermodynamics, Entropy+ was bound to get increasingly more disordered until it could no longer maintain itself, scattering into the wind.
However, the Laws of Thermodynamics do offer a counterpoint: energy may be used to restore a system. Denizens of Entropy+ may have noticed that, in …
Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles
Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.
“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on the quality of our dining when we overheard two freshmen discussing a very interesting idea. Apparently, there’s this thing called the Banach–Tarski paradox—something about cutting a sphere into parts and recombining them and ending up with two of them of the same size, without adding anything. Turns out, that works …
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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon
Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.
However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific arrangement of particles that must have been an exact replica of Carnegie Mellon floating free in space some couple million years ago.
If that seems impossible, you’re not alone. Dr. Fizicks Nuerhd was startled, too, but explains that while incredibly unlikely, it is fully possible for random atoms floating …
School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms
PITTSBURGH, PA
As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM administrators have revealed that they plan to use cutting-edge experimental portal technology to open a gateway into the Backrooms, where they will eventually move the practice rooms. “After careful deliberation, we have decided that the practice rooms were actually not difficult enough to find,” wrote one administrator, “so in upholding …
