By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” hat (he apologized, but it was clearly politically motivated based on his painted nails). I believe this slowly mounting civil war is caused by one thing: the separation of church and state. Our founding fathers, while having absolutely no other moral shortcomings, erroneously thought that freedom of religion is one …

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left in the dust. And now you hear a voice from deep inside your psyche, calling you to take action, to commit sabotage?

Luckily, here at ReadMe, we have no conscience and are proud to bring you this guide to sabotaging your least favorite booth or buggy org this spring!

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually pretty good at his job, and everyone else has a pitch. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to slack off for a couple more hours.

4:09 PM

I messaged the editor-in-chief, and he said I wasn’t writing anything for this issue. I swear I was tagged in the …

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny bit, and he suggested that he was maybe considering possibly buying me flowers at some unspecific point in the future. Didn’t happen. I'm looking to find a new place to live, but all the good stuff got snatched up already. My only other option is a one-bedroom shack at the …

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James Hargreaves, this is a lie. The true inventor of Jenny? Why, Jenny, of course.

Jenny may have pretended to be careless when she dropped a spinning wheel on its side, but she was actually a mechanical genius, enabling the eight-spindled invention that would revolutionize the cotton industry.

When …

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)

All of this stress is a recipe for breakouts. If your face looks like a topographical map of Bunker Hill, you’re not alone. We’ve received postage from readers across the colonies complaining that their skin is more oily than the inside of a musket. To all of these concerned …

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, and yet more insist on nuanced and overlapping definitions. This article aims to set the record straight.

Let's start with the structure of 213. There are two weekly lectures and a weekly recitation. Lecture attendance is ungraded. A weekly quiz-style homework makes up a small percentage of the grade …

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across the desk from a young writer, I consider the words of the chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen: "I am trying to beat the guy sitting across from me and trying to choose the moves that are most unpleasant for him and his style."

If you're a TA, this likely sounds …

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all my friends, friends I've been close with for decades! My deteriorating love life is certainly not helping.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my ex. What I see of her life seems so perfect! She broke up with that weird polycule she was a part of and started working on …