Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)
All of this stress is a recipe for breakouts. If your face looks like a topographical map of Bunker Hill, you’re not alone. We’ve received postage from readers across the colonies complaining that their skin is more oily than the inside of a musket. To all of these concerned …
A 213 student's guide to the subtle distinction between yaoi and bl
If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, and yet more insist on nuanced and overlapping definitions. This article aims to set the record straight.
Let's start with the structure of 213. There are two weekly lectures and a weekly recitation. Lecture attendance is ungraded. A weekly quiz-style homework makes up a small percentage of the grade …
Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts
This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.
An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits
As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across the desk from a young writer, I consider the words of the chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen: "I am trying to beat the guy sitting across from me and trying to choose the moves that are most unpleasant for him and his style."
If you're a TA, this likely sounds …
Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!
Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all my friends, friends I've been close with for decades! My deteriorating love life is certainly not helping.
Recently I’ve been thinking about my ex. What I see of her life seems so perfect! She broke up with that weird polycule she was a part of and started working on …
Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean
Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia covering the walls of the beige-bathed building.
Thanks to our 24/7 news crew permanently stationed (not stuck) in the out-of-order Wean elevator, ReadMe snagged an exclusive interview with Cher Redder, the surprisingly unbothered Civil Engineering major responsible for carrying out the directives of the administration.
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Good …
5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need
Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any healthy child some essential oils, and they’ll be healthy in no time. Before you turn to Big Pharma this winter, I’d like to share my alternative medicine hacks. Without further ado, here are the top 5 inessential oils that mamas are saying they can live without!
Number 1: Peppermint …
MLM vs MLM vs MLM: Everything YOU need to know
The modern world is filled with confusing new acronyms, and it seems like more crop up every day. The most insidious example is “MLM”, an amorphous concept that no person seems to truly understand and which appears to shift meaning with no regard to context.
I speak, of course, of the following three phrases: multi-level-marketing, man-loving-man, and Marxist-Leninist-Maoist. No user of the acronym MLM can truly know which of these concepts they are referring to, resulting in probably the most deep-reaching misunderstanding of the English language ever recorded in our history.
Now, dear reader, let me enlighten you. …
So you want to TA a class
Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.
Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively straightforward: answer Ed posts, hold office hours, grade homework, teach a recitation or two. However, this is just surface level TA work. In order to be a true TA, you need to be doing much more.
Before you apply to be a TA, you should be proficient with at …
Anti Anti Aging Cream
Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!
Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's a super simple product you put on your face twice, once a day. This product penetrates deep into your pores, making you look so old that people may think you're a walking zombie! Despite the FDA’s claims, this probably isn’t battery acid, and our product is known for working …
Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations
For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.
In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended a DRHS football game. Doherty Regional’s home team, the Diaperwolves, played hard and beat the opposing team 23-16. Despite the team’s stellar performance, the crowd seemed focused on one thing and one thing only: DRHS’s mascot, Desmond the Diaperwolf. Someone, presumably an underpaid gym teacher, stood in front of the …
Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes
On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe are happy to report that an easy and accessible solution has been found. If you’re a student organization struggling to stay afloat in the turbulent political climate of CMU, here’s how you can make some extra club money.
Step 1: Set Up
The first step in making your …
Tales from Beyond Frick Park II
The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.
The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and the campus pretended not to notice. Administrators spoke in soothing euphemisms: integration, interdisciplinary collaboration, shared vision. Students, dirty and horny, knew the truth.
Similarly, contractors reported noises that did not seem structurally sound. Grinding zinc, groaning masonry, clenched rebar. Forms strained and steel sang. It was loud, it was …
Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough
Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.
There seems to be a popular trend spread by liberals right now, of bitching and whining about climate change and all of its terrible implications. One cannot help but wonder what it is about global warming that petrifies liberals so. Does its promise of warmth remind them of the warmth with which their mother once caressed them, and …
I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist
It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on Instagram charging for admission was a scam (it was, as evidenced by the subsequent police tape). In the middle of The Cut sat a table manned by men. Before I could invent an excuse, I was being introduced to the College Conservatives. They were surprisingly friendly, especially compared to the …