CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy
The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.
This simplicity falls apart, however, when we consider complex edge cases in the definition of a human life. Perhaps the most fraught of these is the point at which a fetus can be counted as a person. CMU's Student Senate, which governs the Fence, recently issued a policy clarifying this matter. It simply reads, …
Top 10 Milkable things on campus
Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.
Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction to the milkosphere.
Number 9: The True Burger Pepsi dispenser. The dispenser creates a cozy atmosphere with a satisfying amount of grime, improving both venue and flavor. To echo one Reyzl Limenesser, Pepsi is an excellent enhancement to standard milk: legendary Pilk, pre-squeezed milk mixed with hand-milked Pepsi, is …
CMU announces new set of steam tunnels
Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led by the ever faithful Meat, toiled day and night for many moons to have these tunnels finished for their dear readers, so please use them, we’re begging you! (We know it’s not perfect, but they didn’t let us have any breaks and we’ve been surviving on Celsius and saltine crackers, …
Back to School at CMU
It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? CMU has restocked everything a struggling academic could need, all the way from notebooks to nunchucks. Sunglasses and SPF 500 sunscreen are half off as students readjust to seeing the burning rays of the sun travelling to and from class. Textbooks on the ABCs and learning to read are up …
Overheard at CMU
Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"
Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "
"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the first try, when for everyone else, they have to insert it twice. I try to stay humble. Y'know, keep it a secret. But you seem different. Something about you seems special."
Student 1: "Do you ever get depressed thinking about how there are prodigies half our age who …
In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others
Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still for you!
Food
CMU has a wide and diverse variety of dining and cafe options, including those with different dietary needs. There are kosher, halal, vegan, vegetarian, and gluten free options available. For those with food allergies, Nourish provides grab and go options in various locations and the …
Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"
Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.
“WOOORD will revolutionize document writing using deep reinforcement learning and convex optimization,” Fence announced to hundreds of eager investors, “And most importantly, WOOORD bears no resemblance to the paperclip-shaped default Microsoft Office Assistant designed to help users with word processing tasks from 1997 to 2003 called Clippit but known colloquially …
A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals
Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”
Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last commitments had all been completely taken care of. For some, final essays had been handed in days early, the letter jotting down a favorite cited peer-reviewed study that "Might just tickle your fancy if you give it a read!” For others, letters contained a scored final exam: only ever a …
Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns
Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed onto the reindeer, Claus tweeted.
When pressed for a response, NORAD claimed they were, “spreading Christmas joy for every little girl and boy.” Claus claims that spreading this information is incredibly dangerous, and may lead to his assassination, especially now due to his recent exposal of political beliefs.
…
Winning the War on Christmas
As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are about 8-year-olds outwitting criminals invading their family’s homes and policemen thwarting terrorist operations rather than finding the true meaning of Christmas. The thought of it makes me shudder. With that in mind, the Jewish writers of reADMe have decided to join the War on Christmas—on the side of Christmas. With …
Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love
T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all a cruel joke from a heartless creator?
The little gay nutcracker sat alone on the cold, barren warehouse rack – until he wasn’t. One day a Target worker entered carrying a box of Christmas nutcrackers. The worker placed the box of Christmas nutcrackers on a shelf across from the …
This Week In Bears
Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.
Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles
Two bears have recently joined the CMU Unicycle Appreciation Association. These bears have been seen on campus for a few weeks, disguised in hats, scarves, t-shirts, shorts and tutus. Their reason for being on campus is unknown, however they have been seen riding their unicycles all across campus and greater Pittsburgh, perhaps in an attempt …
Snowman animated by rogue BME students
At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The carrot was heavily cross-modified with mushroom and slime mold DNA. It grew an extensive, prehensile, “...f*cking ‘The Thing’-level gory, just terrifying…” mycelial root network, which became the muscles and nerves of the snow mold the carrot was implanted in.
After a successful awakening, the snowman was relocated to one …
Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167
Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard
Melt lard in bottom of crock pot. Mix beef and venison with salt, add to bottom of pot, brown. Add remaining ingredients, stir to mix. Attach lid with slip wedged in, hide string near handle, bring to pressure, carry to table with rest of family. Drop to floor while pulling string attached …
US Gov't to seize coal from stockings
Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one assumes the average lump of coal to weigh around a half pound, that is over 27 million pounds of coal to be used as energy.
Due to this, on Christmas Day the US government will deploy around 38,000 soldiers on holiday leave to seize all of the coal. Worth …
Tax Guide for Santa's Presents
After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, and foreign import regulations. The IRS is hopeful that this will clear up any confusion regarding the rules surrounding Present Tax and also create enough confusion to be able to issue many fines to a(hopefully large) number of violators.
Student gives 75 classmates AIVs
On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to a single student who passed the course with a C last semester. Most significantly, none of the students involved showed any desire to receive assistance on the midterm.
The aid arrived in many different forms. Some thirty students received copies of Tuesday's midterm in their CMU Gmail inbox the …
The yearly CMU black market finals guide
Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.
In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to you after immense struggle and a dash of bloodshed with campus security, is your ticket through. Be warned all you heart-faint, law-abiding, and poorly-hydrated souls: these strategies are exhausting and cruel. But master them, and you will emerge from your exam rooms a conqueror.
Steal, steal, steal. The treasure …
CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction
Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of undergraduate and graduate studies for the department cite the practicum portion of this year’s finals as being primarily responsible for the inconveniences, citing that “The inconveniences are deeply regrettable especially that they have come at a time of heightened scrutiny due to a cost and time overrun in the renovation …
So you're on a couple waitlists
This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I need. Despair set in as students with unfortunate registration times (me) panicked about getting graduation requirements. However, there need not be panic. There are many benefits to being on the waitlist, but it's fine as it is.
First, if you’re stressing about taking concepts and 15-122 in the same …
Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"
On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters will be subject to "Finals" recapping the sum of their human experience.
The content of the Finals was initially unclear, but Gina Casalegno, Vice President of Student Life and Student Death, was quick to provide a syllabus for a 0-unit course, "Mortality" (with codes including 00-100 for first-years and …
Some finals traditions!
Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 colonies and the mountainous geography of the region. While the North and South have largely moved into the same “accent group”, Southwestern Pennsylvania prides itself on being different. The way of speech here combines morphosyntactic structures from Scotch-Irish (My car needs warshed, as opposed to my car needs washing), and …
SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy
The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies hopes this new program will boost grades by as much as 69%, and contribute to "a more revealing understanding of academic success."
The workshop includes hands on demonstrations for how best to flirt with much older professors, as well as some wardrobe pieces provided free of charge from randomly …
Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival
The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to remain anonymous for official Association purposes (and not because this reporter forgot to take their name). The spokesman was quick to clarify, “This endeavour is completely legal. There is no rule prohibiting a Scotty dog from driving a buggy.” In response to criticism that a dog driving a buggy was …
Ethics final causes moderate ruckus
Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.
Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related to the new philosophy course, 80420: Introduction to Practical Ethics. As opposed to a standard sitdown exam, 80420 utilizes a practical final exam in order to determine a students’ final grade. According to an anonymous whistleblower in the class, the contents of the final have all test takers situated in …