Vol 3, Issue 4: the issue in which we try to find our passports and go on a fun, European vacation. (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'.
- New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos".
- CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day
- Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia
- Statue of Liberty deported.
- White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent.
- "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter."
- CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th.
- My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED
- "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC.
- Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot
- American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide.
- Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history.
- Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV
All this and more, not in this issue!
TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation
Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, another TSA was setting up for a GBM: CMU's own Taiwanese Students Association.
Due to the ensuing confusion, the entirety of the bodies of the two organizations were swapped overnight. Pittsburgh's hotels are swamped as over 60,000 former airport security officers are celebrating Taiwanese heritage, while the nation's airports …
Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic
This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In the past, the program has garnered rave reviews.
“This program got me away from Pittsburgh, as advertised. I hate Pittsburgh, so I’m happy,” said one student. “I learned a lot of Italian words, like pizza, pasta, espresso, and merda,” reported another. “I love how many naked people there are …
A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise
It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to business majors, or leave their dear native campus to party at Pitt. They take up spots in CIT and SCS, while forcing innocent students to live in cramped chambers, originally meant for two, in groups of three.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number …
Do you want to hear a joke?
Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s like WOMEN there! Amiright? Right?
[four seconds of silence]
Anyway, like. Traveling. Like you’re traveling uhhh, like, abuh. Like, a buh [Laughter] abuh- abuh- hold on. [Shaky breath] Abruhaha- hahaha- a broa- A- BRO [Cackling] Oh, oh ma [Continuing laughter] Oh, oh let me catch my breath. [Huffing …
CMU-specific Travel Advisory
With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.
Ukraine
Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?
Spain
If you are going to España over break, please do not come back with an accent. You did not gain your “authentic” accent in 7 days, and we all hate you. No one cares that you were in “Barrrrrttttthelona”.
Antarctica
The ice caps are melting, it will make …
Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs
If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.
By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, allowing students to visit Central Martian University, which boasts similarly rigorous coursework, groundbreaking research labs, and even the opportunity to participate in a few research studies yourself. CMU students will be able to participate in many exciting activities on the CMU campus such as sticking electrodes to yourself and letting …
I used to hate French People
I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, hell, once I bought a $6.95 flag just to burn it in my yard and spit on the ashes. You’d be forgiven for thinking a Frenchman baguette-shanked my childhood dog, the way I spoke of these people.
One family trip showed me otherwise. The moment I stepped off the …
Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once
Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.
I am ignorant no longer. After being kicked out of Hunt Library when it closed last Friday, I was walking back to my apartment in Oakland when I heard Kinky Boots playing from one of the pubs. It was like a reckoning. Immediately, I was overwhelmed by Irish culture. No longer …
Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia
Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!
10. Ukraine
Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself within Russian territory.
9. Georgia
Just wait! With a little patience, you'll be part of Russia just the same.
8. Belarus
Does linguistic genocide give you a hard-on? Much like how Western countries like France squashed their national languages in favor of one spoken by the …
Readme Sex Survey Results
The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our own survey. Your move, Tartan.
We'd give you the most desperate person's number but do you really want us matchmaking?
Fuck you Richard I'd be a sexy fucking worm
Take a gander at these dirty whores. Bet they're into you calling them that though.
Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus
“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”
- Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs
SCS Students to join call centers en masse
This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming and customer interaction.
The system will work as follows, students will be hired at any one of the many call centers located throughout India. From there, they will be tasked to call overseas customers and, with their computer science experience, provide quality technical support. Recent statistics show that over …
Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa
While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer climate than Pittsburgh” in an email sent by The University Register’s Office.
ReadMe spoke to several of the students cross registered between continents. “I am functionally illiterate,” said a student who is registered for ICI in Africa Seminar. Another student reported being unable to register for 122 in Pittsburgh, …
Overheard at CMU
Feb 19
motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion to create the chair committee, my feelings towards you are completely platonic this is not in the description nor the title, to be tabled so the table that we have some chairs to go with the table that we already have
Feb 22
Every time I go …
Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe
CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.
Manifest destiny has come a long way in recent years. Gone are the days of dysentery, cholera, cannibalism, and people saying “hey stop taking my homeland!”. But the essence of the doctrine remains: this land is our land, and anyone who isn’t American, doesn’t speak English, eats with their hands, or worships idols …