Vol 4, Issue 0: the issue in which we imagine the average CMU student happy (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered.
- Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare.
- That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband.
- Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds.
- 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor.
- I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
- To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks.
- Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?"
- SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum.
- How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold.
- Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases.
All this and more, not in this issue!
CMU Cancelled, Go Home
Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!
Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid
Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.
We've used our decades of collective experience to compile CMU's most comprehensive guide to getting in the kilt of the nearest warm body on campus. You can trust you're getting the real deal: for the 10th year in a row, the Wall Street Journal has ranked us as having more staffers …
A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"
It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the attractiveness of freshmen) confidently strutting your way, smelling like a middle schooler who's just discovered Axe body spray, taking time during every stride to make sure your chest and/or groin hasn't gone anywhere in the meantime.
Time freezes. You've found someone who read the sex guide. Don't bother hitting …
The Man, The Myth, The Farnam
Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely operate a scissor lift? A man who can fight off great white sharks with his feet zip tied behind his back?
Well, this amazing and wonderful man is none other than Farnam Jahanian (also known to students as “J-Dog”, “Big Man Jahanian”, “MC Farns”, “Farney”, among many other things). …
Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines
In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.
“How tall are you?”
“Can you get inside?”
“Are you inside?”
“How well do you fit?”
“Do you have any short friends?”
“We might need to violate your feet.”
“We love freshmen. The more freshman the merrier.”
“Meet me at stever basement 4 am for fun times ;)”
“Ignore the trash bags covering everything.”
…Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm
As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article before room choices were due but then you’d have taken our advice when choosing your room.
Boss and McGill Houses - Your classic dorms. Both buildings are exactly the same. You’ll be in a quantum state of living in both buildings at once, which is great for having two …
Welcome to Pittsburgh!
The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.
A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen CMU students — strangers to the excesses of Sin City.
“I’m from New York City where there's only a grassy field, two cows, and a gay club called ‘Club Diesel’,” commented one CMU student, “so seeing the towering skyscrapers of Pittsburgh was really different.” A second new student continued, …
A letter from the Editor
It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free time a month. Naive enough that you'll believe anything you're told. Which is a big problem if anyone gets to you before we do.
So listen up, 'cause we've got some advice. First, the best thing you can do to acclimate is find the biggest guy on your floor …
An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture
As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from being crushed by all the knees of hopeful romantics popping the question. If you’re lucky, you’ll be on one side of this ritual or the other before March rolls around. If you’re unlucky, you’ll have to watch droves of men (and lesbians) dropping to their knees and wonder: “when will …
Making Money on Campus
The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the loss of your right arm, there’s a pretty reliable solution to the loss of your life savings. That solution, also applicable to most of life’s problems, is drugs.
It is a well known fact that CMU boasts the highest number of student drug addicts on this side of the …
OCs Accidentally Create a Cult
Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and an incident regarding Welch students and a penguin from the Pittsburgh zoo.
It is believed that the chaos started Tuesday during an Etower rally. A sudden thunderstorm forced events to be held inside for several hours. Orientation leaders led students in chants ranging from “Who’s got the power?” to …