Vol 2, Issue 6: the issue in which readme considers the buyout of infowars to be an opportunity for expansion (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker
- Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels
- "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims
- In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers
- Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years
- SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies
- SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles
- Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing
- King Charles III to consider castling
- Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme
- President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators"
- Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly
- My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex
All this and more, not in this issue!
Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!
On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.
Your class is infamous for its strictness on academic integrity, do you think– [Iliano: Infamous?] –infamous, yeah [both chuckle] that's the word they used. Do you think that students are more likely to cheat in 122, or just more likely to get caught?
Maybe both? They are more likely to cheat because it's …
What is MIT
To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.
The gist of MIT is pretty simple: it's basically a smaller, shittier CMU. With an undergraduate population of 4500 and a graduate population of 7300, it hasn't quite caught up to our Carnegie Tech, which boasts 7700 undergrads and 8600 graduate students. While CMU's historic campus spans a range …
BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel
(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically questionable and all. But since the end of the Cold War, those glory days have faded, and a once ambitious pursuit has been pacified.
Today, however, there twinkles in the Strontium and Zirconium-95 dust a glimmer of hope that physics may rise from those still-radioactive ashes. That rebirth may …
Readme Crime Report
So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.
Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation
Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. The installation depicted the multiple paint layers on the Fence from 1993 to 2023. CMUPD and CMU administration are unsure of how the sculpture could have been stolen. Witnesses from the night of the attack deny ever seeing a suspicious person(s) near the sculpture. Students residing in Forbes Beeler did …
SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway
As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. The email stated that booth was an art form in its own right, and as such had a “moral obligation and imperative to instill the correct morals in those who visit.” All booth themes will be resubmitted for secondary review. If a theme fails to meet the new requirements it …
Updates from Physics
An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.
Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of dropping a 60-tonne boulder. Some have voiced their concerns, worrying that the giant boulder could crash through the roof and roll down the Gates spiral, leading to an impromptu and unwelcome reenactment of the Boulder scene from Indiana Jones. Others have stated that the experiment is unorthodox and unneeded, referencing …
Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU
Introduction
When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but by indefatigable electricity and steel.
Unfortunately, at our own Carnegie Mellon University, residents have bought in so heavily to indefatigable electricity and steel that 98% of all elevator use on campus is used to traverse a single floor (Et Al and others, 2021). This causes wasteful energy consumption—as expensive …