Vol 4, Issue 3: the issue in which we try to figure out the FCEs of deployment (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War.
- Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines.
- UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity.
- Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'.
- CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning.
- Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition.
- They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings!
- My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay.
- “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester.
- Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1.
- The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you.
- “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm”
All this and more, not in this issue!
The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding
As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office is said to follow.
After several Tartan war correspondents were parachuted into various global conflicts, tragedy arose. The first wave was killed almost immediately by snipers, indirect artillery fire, and trench foot. Editor-in-chief Arden Ryan promised several weeks later to address the situation through the proper channels set up …
President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be
This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most important speech.
“I’m here today to warn you about the impending military industrial complex,” the president said solemnly. “It’s gonna be fucking lit, so be prepared for the levels of unprecedented awsomeness some of y'all youngins will see in your lifetime.”
The military industrial complex, or MIC (not …
My mommy says I can't go to war
My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.
My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in war.
My mommy said I can’t drive the tank.
My mommy said I can’t have a gun.
My mommy said I can’t die on the battlefield in a drawn out war for my country.
So no Mr. Recruiter, I will not give you my name.
Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review
I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.
I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very Hungry Caterpillar (rainbow foods? Wow). To prevent further contaminating the minds of my three-year-old triplets, Kelly, Ann, and Kelly Ann, I quickly sought to review the rest of their bookshelf to make sure everything was consistent with the teachings of the Bible. All I found was blasphemy. Harold and the …
War flashbacks to now include midroll ads
There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it instead as potential for new business opportunities. Now, neuroscientists and marketers are finding ways to take advantage of the ad space created by these veterans’ grief stricken war memories.
Take Cody Daniels: He served two tours in Afghanistan and now suffers from post traumatic stress disorder. Several weeks ago, …
CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds
The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.
“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics, BAE Systems. Ten rounds of interviews, some of them. So I just got fed up and wondered, well, what can I do to give myself that competitive edge, you know? Beat out the applications with really high GPAs or good jawlines. And it just came to me.”
…How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot
Dear Reader,
I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie Mellon University, but I thought all my problems were solved when I met Nicky.
Reader, Nicky is beautiful, a dumb blonde with nothing going on in her head. She replies “lol” to all the nerdy jokes I send her. She doesn’t seem to have any interest in the ethics …
Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut
In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it will house one ICBM, with more to be stored in the Stever basement. Its purpose is currently unknown, but experts conjecture that likely targets include the Tartan Express Food Truck and Warner Hall, and the political power gained from the nuclear arsenal may be leveraged for improved aerospace facilities. Lockheed …
STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh
Abstract
While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This study was designed to determine whether the same is true for STIs.
Methods
Test subjects were recruited using two methods. One group (Group 1) was invited to participate in a study investigating varying taste and texture across different types of unseasoned meat, cooked and raw. Participants were assured …
Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim
Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There were seven people sitting at this table, which would mean Jeff had to divide the cake into seven pieces. However, seven was a very inconvenient number of cake slices to cut, so even though fruitcake was his favorite, Jeff decided to forgo a slice so that he would only have …
Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall
After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by Carnegie Mellon for use by the Heinz College of Information Systems and Public Policy and renamed to Hamburg Hall. This may have seemed like an acceptable name at first, but a mere 41 years later it has become clear that Cheeseburg Hall is much more fitting. ReadMe conducted street interviews …
Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled
It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable forced laser cutting perpetrated by the two members of the Donner house, or the various chemical burns perpetrated by Mudge? Certainly not the individuals from E Tower, who retaliated with an attempted poisoning with an unlabeled powder that ended up being table salt. But the most dramatic part was when …
Beloved Football Chants At CMU
The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. Nothing is a better example of our school spirit.
Mrs. Gerlach’s cheer!
Go, go! Maim em’, maim em’!
Go, go, go, maim em’ maim em’
Rip off their legs! [Clap x3]
Rip off their legs! [Clap x3]
Why this chant was named after the beloved old …