Vol 2, Issue 8: the issue in which readme realizes the true meaning of Christmas (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded.
- Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is.
- Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives.
- Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M.
- Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors
- Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2.
- Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot.
- Naughty List leaked.
- Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer
- I met Santa Claus, she's black.
- TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list.
- Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns.
- Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action.
- Elves join UAW Local 1701.
- Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head
- Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases
All this and more, not in this issue!
A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals
Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”
Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last commitments had all been completely taken care of. For some, final essays had been handed in days early, the letter jotting down a favorite cited peer-reviewed study that "Might just tickle your fancy if you give it a read!” For others, letters contained a scored final exam: only ever a …
Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns
Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed onto the reindeer, Claus tweeted.
When pressed for a response, NORAD claimed they were, “spreading Christmas joy for every little girl and boy.” Claus claims that spreading this information is incredibly dangerous, and may lead to his assassination, especially now due to his recent exposal of political beliefs.
…
Winning the War on Christmas
As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are about 8-year-olds outwitting criminals invading their family’s homes and policemen thwarting terrorist operations rather than finding the true meaning of Christmas. The thought of it makes me shudder. With that in mind, the Jewish writers of reADMe have decided to join the War on Christmas—on the side of Christmas. With …
Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love
T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all a cruel joke from a heartless creator?
The little gay nutcracker sat alone on the cold, barren warehouse rack – until he wasn’t. One day a Target worker entered carrying a box of Christmas nutcrackers. The worker placed the box of Christmas nutcrackers on a shelf across from the …
This Week In Bears
Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.
Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles
Two bears have recently joined the CMU Unicycle Appreciation Association. These bears have been seen on campus for a few weeks, disguised in hats, scarves, t-shirts, shorts and tutus. Their reason for being on campus is unknown, however they have been seen riding their unicycles all across campus and greater Pittsburgh, perhaps in an attempt …
Snowman animated by rogue BME students
At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The carrot was heavily cross-modified with mushroom and slime mold DNA. It grew an extensive, prehensile, “...f*cking ‘The Thing’-level gory, just terrifying…” mycelial root network, which became the muscles and nerves of the snow mold the carrot was implanted in.
After a successful awakening, the snowman was relocated to one …
Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167
Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard
Melt lard in bottom of crock pot. Mix beef and venison with salt, add to bottom of pot, brown. Add remaining ingredients, stir to mix. Attach lid with slip wedged in, hide string near handle, bring to pressure, carry to table with rest of family. Drop to floor while pulling string attached …
US Gov't to seize coal from stockings
Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one assumes the average lump of coal to weigh around a half pound, that is over 27 million pounds of coal to be used as energy.
Due to this, on Christmas Day the US government will deploy around 38,000 soldiers on holiday leave to seize all of the coal. Worth …
Tax Guide for Santa's Presents
After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, and foreign import regulations. The IRS is hopeful that this will clear up any confusion regarding the rules surrounding Present Tax and also create enough confusion to be able to issue many fines to a(hopefully large) number of violators.