Vol 3, Issue 6: the issue in which we give our honest and unbiased opinions on various things we were paid to talk about (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation
- Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes.
- Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë.
- A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers.
- Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to
- Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat
- Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket)
- DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In
- Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?!
- Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break
- Tenth dentist speaks out
- USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row
- Rest in Peace Buddy
- Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel
All this and more, not in this issue!
Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo
Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact based, objective review.
The course has two instructors, both appear to be super-super-super-super-seniors. It is concerning that StuCo allows instructors to teach when they clearly are unable to graduate from CMU in a timely manner. Furthermore, the course seems to have a third instructor in the form of a …
Ranking CMU's presidents
Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that this university survived another century, and for that, he deserved to be our first S tier president.
Thomas S. Baker (1922–1935): CMU's official website describes Mr. Baker as "giving Carnegie Tech a chance to breath," a typo which is ironic in light of Baker Hall's close connection with CMU's …
Some Popular Books
Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.
This guide includes a detailed map of Doherty Hall, soon to be recognized as a National Endangered Animal Refuge, due to its status as the home of the Doherty Creature. It also has step by step instructions to approaching the Creature without losing limbs, ligaments, or livers. It also provides dozens …
Candidates for a 51st State
In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As such, there’s been much talk down in Washington about returning to our roots by colonizing and annexing another country. With our president eyeing such tantalizing targets as Greenland, Canada, and Gaza, our staff have combed through all 195 countries, give or take and picked out choice countries to storm by …
An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine
Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell I would not wish upon my worst enemy.
Avid fans of readme know that we publish bi-weekly on Wednesdays. This means we print and distribute copies of readme on Tuesday evenings. I have just been informed that we are not publishing on Wednesday this week. Is this a sign …
Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol
In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to find out.
Au Bon Pain
Need to drown your Pain? Check out ABP's "signature cocktails," a new set of menu additions! Our reviewers found it confusing to order on a block, and the wait was long, but the drinks had unique spins and good flavor. We particularly liked …
I Hate Baker-Porter
Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.
Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. Where does Baker end and Porter start? No one knows. The hallway is so long by the time you reach the other end you lose your will to live. Baker-Porter consumes the entire South side of the mall, and we let it get away with it. Soon it will try …
Kirby's Adventure NES Review
If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a dumpster.
Firstly, the story is just pitiful. There are only three characters (and one twist villain) that have any importance, everyone else is just irrelevant. The game’s “twist” villain is not foreshadowed at all and is just a pitiful excuse to attempt to redeem the game’s main antagonist, King …
The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain
The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what good that would have done for the world. At first, I thought the brain of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. himself, well-known American politician, influencer, and current US Secretary of Health and Human Services would be a lovely, hearty meal- this guy’s an environmentalist, a lawyer, fights for minority rights, and …