Vol 3, Issue 7: the issue in which we do our very best to come across sober when talking to the cops (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave
- Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC
- Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week
- CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming
- SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations
- This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training
- Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only
- How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group
- Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced
- CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26
- Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP
- Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house
- "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person.
All this and more, not in this issue!
Dear Alumni:
Dear CMU alumni,
I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to tell you that we wish you'd just die already.
We need money. CMU is trying to starve us out, and stealing random first-years' IDs for print budget just doesn't pay the bills like it used to. We considered writing you a sincere little note about your cool little job …
Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'
Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.
Students at the University of Pittsburgh, henceforth Pitt because I’m not writing all that (I’m a business student don’t blame me), historically had low conceptions of CMU. Pitt students think CMU students work on problem sets and… yeah, that’s about it. CMU students don’t sleep, party, or talk to each other at all …
Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office
The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for weeks. While students and faculty are mourning the loss of several upstanding members of the CMU community, they're also relieved to have an answer as to why so many delays occurred during preparations for Booth. "SCC was so slow to put out the form for booth chairs," one student stated …
Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus
Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.
Schatz has acquired its first Michelin star.
The premiere dining experience on CMU’s campus is Schatz dining hall. We recommend alumni enjoy a delightful supper. However, be aware that the dress code is strictly enforced, and anything less than a suit will get you evicted from the premises. They didn’t pay for 2nd-floor window …
Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly
When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by Zampanò’s Literature club. During the structural check, it was discovered that the booth was a quarter inch bigger on the inside when compared to the outside.
ZLC’s booth, themed after the hit documentary The Navidson Record, seemed laughably simple upon first glance. The walls are painted pitch black and …
Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival
Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring schtick of screaming “FIRE” or yelling at hungover people through a megaphone. Not to worry, for the past thousand years I have been honing myself in the art doing a little trolling. So, let me tell you some of my favorite gags and gaffs to pull at Carnival.
First …
How to tell if your classmates peaked in college
As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”
To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who peaked in university.
1. Are they a grad student?
Grad students are just people who peaked so hard in college they’re spending a few hundred grand to avoid leaving. Instead of building new lives, starting families, growing savings, they are just doing the one thing they know best: …
SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings
SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:
STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.
TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In Headlights capacity. Looking for committed actors, authentic anxious wrecks, to maintain SDC external reputation. Build secret sharers will be BOOTED, protectors HANDSOMELY REWARDED. Apply direct: prepare lip-quiver for inspection.
FIELD TRAINING – Splendid opportunities to train youths in ag. trade of hay growing, cutting, baling. Short training; constant vacancies; …
The Hunt
The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate tradition generation. Buggy racing, a sport originating from gilded-age fraternity brothers drunkenly racing each other down hills in buggies (Western Pennsylvania English for “shopping cart”), is probably the most well known tradition originating from this campus. However, there are many more that aren’t as well known: Painting the fence, “Gazorching,” …
People you don't want to be alone in a booth with
A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while I sleep
An older brother (the bane of many people’s [mine included] existences)
A United Airlines staff member (if Carnival is overfilled)
A human trafficker (if, unlike me, you have strength or sex appeal)
Your stalker
A smooth criminal
That friendly guy you know whose name you feel guilty for …
SCC preps for Carnival
As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally all of the important deadlines (it’s hard to keep track with the time zones) or their cowardliness in the face of rain. SCC only gets about 17 inches of rain per year, in comparison to Pittsburgh’s 43.
As the building of booths on Midway continued, Readme checked up on …
NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths
Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.
It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.
“It was insane. I went in thinking it was gonna be the usual. No natural lighting, no furniture, and one of those heaters that sounds like the Bombing of Dresden,” Novak recalled, still visibly shaken. “But then…I saw them…”
Novak, who pays $2,700 a month for a 100-square-foot apartment on the Lower East Side, was …