A Dead Jellyfish
it/its
Staffwriter
being stepped on, 2029
Bio
A Dead Jellyfish washed up on Racoon State Park Beach on August 15th, 2025. After 48 minutes, it became dehydrated and died. All the water in its body evaporated, and the body decomposed over a period of several days. Freed from its mortal coil, A Dead Jellyfish joined reAdme as a journalist and editor and has since discovered the difficulty of operating a keyboard with incorporeal tentacles.
Fun fact
Prior to its death, A Dead Jellyfish was a 4,000-year-old Turritopsis dohrnii.
Location
The beach
Latest
Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare
After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit their families in months, hoping to desert their sacred duty to make the billionaire Andrew Carnegie more money. The strikers should rest easy knowing that their hard labor is going into the construction of libraries and museums they will never be able to see.
The Amalgamated Association of Iron …
An Open Letter to William Shakespeare
How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!
Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.
Thy plays draw foolish sheep like flies to mead,
Deserting Sunday mass for comedy.
Marry, that time is better spent to read
That holy, worthy folio, ReadethMe!
To lull the mind with idle merriment
Shall push literacy into decline.
Thy noble patron in his …
Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion
A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient X tosses and turns in their luxurious quad beneath a red velvet blanket. Lavender handkerchiefs have been supplied for Patient X to delicately hack up blood into. Mudge Mansion RAs implore Dining Services to make a thin gruel for Patient X to subsist on, for they have no stomach for …