Auntie Readme's Advice Column
The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!
should i take a job at lockheed martin if they offer me $300k a year 🤔
Military-industrial complex? I find it quite simple, actually. You and I have very different problems and I am unqualified to advise on yours. I direct you to my official Dietrich merch, reading “My major may not make money, but is too impractical …
Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart
An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.
On November 31, 2023, municipal workers sorting through old zoning documents found the original paperwork submitted by Andrew Carnegie to buy the land which would eventually become Carnegie Mellon University. While looking over the historic document, they discovered a clerical error that meant the 32.78 by 15.659 foot rectangle of land around the Fence had …
CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt
PITTSBURGH, Pa. Â The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.
Twelve twentyÂfive p.m.
President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”
Four explosions, and four westbound cannonballs fired from Carnegie Mellon’s most archaic weapons, filled the air. Three made contact with the target, while one fell below the skyline, towards the streetscape, to wreak what minimal damage it could.
Three shattered windows were visible against the silhouette of the Cathedral of Learning, …
Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless
Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU representative stated that Donner will, in fact, still be used to house students both this and next year.
Nearly all of Donner was reduced to ash and rubble except for one lone surviving room: the band room for the Carnegie Mellon Kiltie Band. “It really is a miracle,” stated …
Readme Crime Report
README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, so…..
Student Drives Forklift Recklessly, Causes Major Fire
A local student drove a modified forklift carrying two gallons of crude oil into the Tepper School of Business at an alarming speed of 90mph, causing millions in property damage. The glass on the building all shattered, and because CMU has …
The 'car' in Carnegie
Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.
A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et Al revealed that the curbs contiguous with the sidewalks that barely anyone uses serve as a potential hazard towards automobiles passing through, thus the sidewalks had to go, expanding the road’s shoulder in the process.
After the university had finished this construction, Dr. Et Al ran a subsequent analysis, …
The secret dark reality of ChatGPT
Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their homework. However, behind ChatGPT’s shiny facade lies a foundation of exploitation and a culture of overwork. To lay bare the problems within OpenAI, Journalist Benner Rogers conducted a bombshell interview with an anonymous employee on what it’s like working for the face of AI.
Before the questions begin, could …
readme returns!
Hello! We're readme, a reÂestablished studentÂ-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up an idea nobody had ever thought about before  could Carnegie Mellon students be funny? Unfortunately, during this meeting, Skip cracked the first ever joke told on CMU campus, leading to two hospitalizations and the death of Jim McDougal from excessive laughter. The tragic result of this meeting delayed the …
A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors
1. Introduction
Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after a brief countdown. These hand gestures represent a rock, paper, or a pair of scissors, respectively (some variants also allow for other objects, such as guns. However, we will only be considering the usage of actual guns to gain a tactical advantage). Rock beats scissors by denting them, scissors beats …
Carnegie Crime Report
README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an organization (aside from just generally fucking around of course).
Student Builds Homemade Fissile Core, Irradiates Half of Campus
The space from Baker Hall to the Gates & Hillman Centers is currently radioactive after a student at Carnegie Mellon built a homemade fissile core out of nothing but …
10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan
1) Better at news
Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.
2) Better words
Find me a single example of the Tartan using the word "eccentricites". You can't. We're simply better.
3) Lack of a sports section
Considering how much we here at Carnegie Mellon dislike sports, atheltics, and the general existence of nonÂacademic endeavours, readme stays true to the original vision of Carnegie Mellon by ignoring any and all sports …
The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications
In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not 2016 (see more in the methods section), therefore the year four years ago was 2020. We also managed to conclude that anyone reading this abstract is getting old.