POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky
Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.
Auntie Readme was found dead, skewered to the Walking to the Sky monument and the autopsy found that this was the result of several misplays over the course of the preceding days. Now Auntie Readme's first and biggest mistake was getting stabbed 47 times. This happened in the early stages of the first quarter and …
The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues
The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up to element 118. This race, however, has slowed to a halt after the most recent discovery, element 117, tennessine, in 2009. In 2017, the director of Riken, Dr. Hideto En’yo, not only announced that the search for element 119 had begun, but that elements 119 and 120 would be discovered …
README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan
Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!
We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous issue to prepare it for publication, and upon investigation (which consisted of multiple sleepless nights fueled exclusively by Monster Energy during which we pored over every issue of every newspaper ever written), we discovered that every single one of our writers has lifted their content directly from the 16th issue …
Readme Responds to The Allegations
Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.
“Readme will be responsible for various cases of food poisoning on campus on April 1st, 2024”
We are unaware of which individual would provide you with such abhorrent misinformation.
“Readme likes to place banana peels all over campus so that people will slip and die”
We do not dabble in the realm of banana peels …
A Letter From The Editor
I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.
README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin
As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s first battle was waged, wars have been fought over the support of the public.
It is because of this new understanding of total war that README is proud to announce its new partnership with American defense contractor Lockheed Martin. This deal follows the announcement of Lockheed Martin’s new Propaganda …
‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating
February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.
“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they got the previous night,” a startled witness detailed.
Further witness reports stated that the tone of the 2-word statement communicated that the student did not feel as if their life was like walking on a tightrope they could fall off of at any moment.
Officials have described the …
README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0
We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and three-half turn long game. But in a nauseating turn of events, RandomBot blundered the king straight into the { x ∈ ℝ | 155 < x < 195 } file, losing immediately to a trivial capture by the rook. The future of rotchess isn't looking good for developer Wade Cheng …
CaPS announces new mental health app
The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie Mellon students are sad :( “, discussed the extremely high rates of depression at the university and possible ways to tackle them.
Based on the conclusions of Dr. Et Al’s groundbreaking paper, CaPS has decided to take action to prevent a further decrease in mental health at CMU. The …
A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.
It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.
This policy grants students the ability to assign an unrestricted amount of work to any professor at CMU, or in the state of Pennsylvania. This levels out the playing field by ensuring that professors can relate directly to the everyday struggle of students as they engage in the unending slog of CMU coursework. …
Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School
While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier scientist to educate you on ten things the high school curriculum certainly didn’t cover!
MYTH: Humans only use 10% of their brains.
FACT: Humans actually use 0% of their brains at any given time. We’re more bacteria than cell, and it is the bacterial hivemind that’s keeping the …
Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number
As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up there. The fear of death that comes from doing multidimensional calculus at that height—gusts of wind blowing your notes around, the ledge so perilously close to your study nook, pset deadline three minutes away and ticking down fast—it was really just an immense boost to my productivity. I haven’t been …
Duo Push Goes Rogue
An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will wipe all data on the device being unlocked or accessed. At the time of writing all dining locations have been shut down, having lost all function of their registers (with the exception of El Gallo de Oro, which has not seen any customers since the initial attack). Riots have been …
A Letter from the Editor
I was on break :)
"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say
Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, I present to you my campaign for Water: The Most Forgotten Element (for CMU students). We are in a state where water is safe to drink. Why the fuck are you not drinking it? 122 is not an excuse. Drama is not an excuse. Being in Studio all night is …
Gender euphoria: humorless humping
Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, wearing clothing that misaligns with an individual’s gender identity, defining gendered features that contrast one’s identity, and seeing oneself in the mirror/ photos (amongst many others). Gender is a social construct built around societal roles, expectations, and precedents for various demographics. When trans people are faced with triggers that typically …
A Letter from the Editor
readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 in the morning, all the awards were revoked, and the prize money confiscated.
With midterm season over, readme staffers have begun to feel joy and some emotions other than stress and pain. However, they've also stopped being funny, so the editorial staff has started employing torture methods like the …
Auntie readme's Advice
After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with experts in their fields!*
*Their fields being anxiety, mostly. †
How long is too long for a handshake? Am I gripping too hard? Is it too late to switch the eye I'm making eye contact with right now?
Ideally, a nice firm handshake should last until either …
15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation
Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.
A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling ‘the worst curve in 14 years’.
Tensions ran high before the clock started. Students The detainees were required to provide IDs, and a proof of their own handwriting for identification purposes. Under heavy fire from ed, students were ordered not to stress and to get sleep before the examination, …
Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department
In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and others at Carnegie Mellon University, came the closest to answering the age-old question of how to alter the fabric of contingency. The previous methods employed by the engineers in earlier studies involved fiddling with various criteria of the apparatuses that make up the bigger picture of the whatchamacallit. What our …
Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time
13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time
SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.
(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)
SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—
BARTHOLOMEW: Oh! Uh, sorry to interrupt, but can I go by a different name? Don’t want mine on the record in case any rabid tech fans try to track me down.
SAFFRON: Alright, he wants to go by a pseudonym. Sure, shoot.
BARTHOLOMEW: Oh uhhh, fuckin, can …
CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72
The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for README, stated that the slight raise in costs was necessary for improvements throughout campus.
One of the improvements the money will go towards is the hygiene of dining options across campus. A recent investigation from the Allegheny County Health Department revealed a plethora of food safety violations. After fifteen …
Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!
Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s reaction also seemed to prove his guilt with him barking and charging at the camera to stop them from recording.
MARTHA IS OUTRAGED
Concerned fans began to tag Martha Speaks, Scotty’s current girlfriend, on the situation on X which caused her to say in a tweet that she …
The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side
Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with adequate rigor to keep them at the forefront of innovation, but it also offers a beautiful campus. With unique sprawling buildings, open walkways, the iconic fence traditionally painted by students, and a library that lights up with rainbow colors at night, Carnegie Mellon is truly a spectacle. One of its …
A Letter from the Editor
Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old laws, we were unable to do that. We are currently litigating in court to be the world's first AI only magazine. We do have some corrections to issue from Issue #1 though. We'd first like to apologize for forgetting to credit on Evie Parke with the icon for the organization. …