By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

Our first date was amazing! I think you and I really understand each other. It's only been a week, but I've had this fluttering feeling every time I think about you. Tonight we're going to an office supply store, maybe you can tell me which manilla folder makes me look …

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new beau, and how to best respond to them to inspire confidence in your parents.

“So how did you two meet?”

This is a common question that gets used to open up the conversation. It is important to make a good first impression, tell them about how you two …

By "Tyan Rosh" & Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation in 2009, which is around the time Bill first became friends with Jeffrey Epstein, the Bill Gates Foundation and the Melinda Gates Foundation have since parted ways. They can no longer legally support the same causes, and that includes raising the young Gates …

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and [redacted]. They were able to relax, enjoy delicious foods, explore the beaches, gaze into the sunset, and engage in police chases.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dear Readme, I hope we’ll be more than just a tabloid couple- we could make real headlines together. ~ XOXO, Reader

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go to floor 3, and then immediately went on her phone. The elevator went up, as they tend to do, and stopped and opened at the third floor. This girl was so locked in on her phone that she did not notice the door open, how embarrassing it was. The elevator …

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got printed up on my best paper at high resolution, but out of the corner of my eye, I kept seeing you look at the other print media. I even caught you checking out a book. I wrote it off, and trusted you, but I never should've.

I thought you …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm obsessed with you in a deeply creepy romantic manner, but I'm not. You work for Nakatomi Defense Corporation, on the 17th floor of their New York campus, in office 1712b. You got the job straight out of college, where you got a BS in Chemistry with a 3.98 GPA, and …

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock haha [panicking]
6. So, what's it like being a human anyway?
7. Oh, yeah having bones must suck. But at least they don't disintegrate when it rains, right?
8. How do eyes work? Do you have to rub them on the text to read it?
9. Wow, I never would've …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that the court remove The Tartan from the trial due to emotional distress. The Tartan is currently blowing kisses to the reader.

10:18 AM

The Tartan has been removed from the room. Before leaving, The Tartan left a kiss on the reader’s cheek. README has turned bright red.

…

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes of The Hill, as rose petals drift down from the straight floor of Welch. The reception will be held at Shake Smart, and among the guests we expect to see notable celebrities including Farnam Jahanian, Iliano Cervesato, and Taylor Swift, with her new boyfriend Eshaan Joshi.

By Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera 😈

5. Stanley Tucci The Italian Stallion.

4. Michelle Obama She’ll ruin you just like she ruined school lunch.

3. Martha Stewart That time in prison changed her.

2. Troye Sivan SUBversive.

1. Me. Hit me up (412-268-2323)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I have seen your
Semi-erect penis

Pigeons cover your grave
And I shouldn’t be surprised
As I am in Central Park
Beady eyed freaks remind me of you
My fists aren’t for the birds
They are for the walrus
And by walrus I mean you

I dig and pry …