By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact based, objective review.

The course has two instructors, both appear to be super-super-super-super-seniors. It is concerning that StuCo allows instructors to teach when they clearly are unable to graduate from CMU in a timely manner. Furthermore, the course seems to have a third instructor in the form of a …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that this university survived another century, and for that, he deserved to be our first S tier president.

Thomas S. Baker (1922–1935): CMU's official website describes Mr. Baker as "giving Carnegie Tech a chance to breath," a typo which is ironic in light of Baker Hall's close connection with CMU's …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to find out.

Au Bon Pain

Need to drown your Pain? Check out ABP's "signature cocktails," a new set of menu additions! Our reviewers found it confusing to order on a block, and the wait was long, but the drinks had unique spins and good flavor. We particularly liked …

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As such, there’s been much talk down in Washington about returning to our roots by colonizing and annexing another country. With our president eyeing such tantalizing targets as Greenland, Canada, and Gaza, our staff have combed through all 195 countries, give or take and picked out choice countries to storm by …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. Where does Baker end and Porter start? No one knows. The hallway is so long by the time you reach the other end you lose your will to live. Baker-Porter consumes the entire South side of the mall, and we let it get away with it. Soon it will try …

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a dumpster.

Firstly, the story is just pitiful. There are only three characters (and one twist villain) that have any importance, everyone else is just irrelevant. The game’s “twist” villain is not foreshadowed at all and is just a pitiful excuse to attempt to redeem the game’s main antagonist, King …

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This guide includes a detailed map of Doherty Hall, soon to be recognized as a National Endangered Animal Refuge, due to its status as the home of the Doherty Creature. It also has step by step instructions to approaching the Creature without losing limbs, ligaments, or livers. It also provides dozens …

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell I would not wish upon my worst enemy.

Avid fans of readme know that we publish bi-weekly on Wednesdays. This means we print and distribute copies of readme on Tuesday evenings. I have just been informed that we are not publishing on Wednesday this week. Is this a sign …

By Porque Taepwyrm • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what good that would have done for the world. At first, I thought the brain of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. himself, well-known American politician, influencer, and current US Secretary of Health and Human Services would be a lovely, hearty meal- this guy’s an environmentalist, a lawyer, fights for minority rights, and …

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our lives would be as shaky as a fiddler on the roof
Oh no
That's not good
The fiddler
Has dropped the fiddle
From the roof
Onto Tevye’s eldest
She looks hurt
Ok it's just a bruise she’ll be fine
Surely nothing else bad will happen to the Jews of Anatevka

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, after some careful investigative journalism (that did not include trespassing), our brave journalists were able to pinpoint the intended use of the laser.

According to internal SDC documents, the laser is able to get targeted wheels hot enough to burn them off of opposing teams' buggies. Additionally, CMU students …

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The judges disqualified us, just as we feared.

Ain’t gonna work on Saturday
Ain’t gonna work on Saturday
Double, double, triple pay
Won’t make me work on Saturday
Ain’t gonna work on Saturday
It’s shabbos kodesh

Next carnival I was a buggy driver
All Sundays fall and spring I …

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the most serious crimes plaguing our campus.

Non-Jewish amnesty recipient claims he and friends were just celebrating Purim

On Thursday, an amnesty call had the third floor of Morewood Gardens abuzz. Jason Zhou, the student for whom the call was made, spoke with reAdMe on the condition of anonymity. …