Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION
Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. It's not going to happen.
Hunt hints at a fictional queer identity by flashing rainbow lights at night, in what appears to be a display of pride and flamboyance. But almost as soon as it starts, it turns back to white with blue corners, or sometimes blue with white …
An Open Letter to the CMU community
I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.
Today our God-given, American, English-speaking heritage is being eroded. The youths of today bastardize our language. Influenced by foreign, alien forces, they feed poison into our language in the form of arcane and accursed words, diluting the power we hold so dear. They poke holes in our sacred rules, inviting ridicule. And they share …
Readme Election Corner (2024)
Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past candidates Doug Burgum, Merrill Piepkorn, and Michael Coachman were mentioned.
I interviewed several Carnegie Mellon students associated with the organization. The following are the most significant excerpts from my many conversations (and the only part of each conversation that consisted of words and not a series of impossible to …
Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"
Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.
“WOOORD will revolutionize document writing using deep reinforcement learning and convex optimization,” Fence announced to hundreds of eager investors, “And most importantly, WOOORD bears no resemblance to the paperclip-shaped default Microsoft Office Assistant designed to help users with word processing tasks from 1997 to 2003 called Clippit but known colloquially …
Back to School at CMU
It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? CMU has restocked everything a struggling academic could need, all the way from notebooks to nunchucks. Sunglasses and SPF 500 sunscreen are half off as students readjust to seeing the burning rays of the sun travelling to and from class. Textbooks on the ABCs and learning to read are up …
Best clubs for returning freshmen
For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of the best clubs CMU has to offer.
Stever Fight Club
The bloodlust of CMU students truly cannot be contained, and Stever Fight Club is a great outlet for the senseless violence we all know and love. Ever wanted to taste the unique iron flavor of blood and spit …
In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others
Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still for you!
Food
CMU has a wide and diverse variety of dining and cafe options, including those with different dietary needs. There are kosher, halal, vegan, vegetarian, and gluten free options available. For those with food allergies, Nourish provides grab and go options in various locations and the …
CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy
The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.
This simplicity falls apart, however, when we consider complex edge cases in the definition of a human life. Perhaps the most fraught of these is the point at which a fetus can be counted as a person. CMU's Student Senate, which governs the Fence, recently issued a policy clarifying this matter. It simply reads, …
Top 10 Milkable things on campus
Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.
Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction to the milkosphere.
Number 9: The True Burger Pepsi dispenser. The dispenser creates a cozy atmosphere with a satisfying amount of grime, improving both venue and flavor. To echo one Reyzl Limenesser, Pepsi is an excellent enhancement to standard milk: legendary Pilk, pre-squeezed milk mixed with hand-milked Pepsi, is …
CMU announces new set of steam tunnels
Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led by the ever faithful Meat, toiled day and night for many moons to have these tunnels finished for their dear readers, so please use them, we’re begging you! (We know it’s not perfect, but they didn’t let us have any breaks and we’ve been surviving on Celsius and saltine crackers, …
Overheard at CMU
Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"
Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "
"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the first try, when for everyone else, they have to insert it twice. I try to stay humble. Y'know, keep it a secret. But you seem different. Something about you seems special."
Student 1: "Do you ever get depressed thinking about how there are prodigies half our age who …
Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025
The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This sport is just like regular bungee jumping, but with one small caveat – interviewing one student actively involved in this community, Benner Haroldt Rogers: “We straight up rawdogging this shit, no music, no bungee cords, no nothing. Just me and the laws of Physics”. But why would anyone want to …
Steam Tunnels Missed Connection
I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and I am sure it still is even if you are one — but, I would like to shine a light on a very unique encounter I had in its lower bowels. I was gallivanting about through the hallway at its lower level, when in the corner of my eye I …
![[TODO]](/media/vol3/issue1/images/whitethings_KGhU1PS.png)
A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals
Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”
Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last commitments had all been completely taken care of. For some, final essays had been handed in days early, the letter jotting down a favorite cited peer-reviewed study that "Might just tickle your fancy if you give it a read!” For others, letters contained a scored final exam: only ever a …
Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns
Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed onto the reindeer, Claus tweeted.
When pressed for a response, NORAD claimed they were, “spreading Christmas joy for every little girl and boy.” Claus claims that spreading this information is incredibly dangerous, and may lead to his assassination, especially now due to his recent exposal of political beliefs.
…
Winning the War on Christmas
As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are about 8-year-olds outwitting criminals invading their family’s homes and policemen thwarting terrorist operations rather than finding the true meaning of Christmas. The thought of it makes me shudder. With that in mind, the Jewish writers of reADMe have decided to join the War on Christmas—on the side of Christmas. With …
Snowman animated by rogue BME students
At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The carrot was heavily cross-modified with mushroom and slime mold DNA. It grew an extensive, prehensile, “...f*cking ‘The Thing’-level gory, just terrifying…” mycelial root network, which became the muscles and nerves of the snow mold the carrot was implanted in.
After a successful awakening, the snowman was relocated to one …