CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds
A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a groundbreaking investigation into why anyone would possibly spend tens of thousands of dollars every year to learn how to read, a skill most people learn by first grade.
In reality, the humanities department of Carnegie Mellon is an extensive testing ground for research on sentient AI. By placing AI …
SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns
A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to campus, I saw it with my own eyes. The SAE Lions were gone.
I knew this day would come, but I was not prepared. In our lives, we rely on our constant truths. I relied on the SAE Lions to welcome me to campus. They got me up in …
Readme Responds to The Allegations
Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.
“Readme will be responsible for various cases of food poisoning on campus on April 1st, 2024”
We are unaware of which individual would provide you with such abhorrent misinformation.
“Readme likes to place banana peels all over campus so that people will slip and die”
We do not dabble in the realm of banana peels …
Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al
After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations like that, I’ve decided to not do a Notes app apology or make a video apology or something–don’t have the energy for that. Instead, I’m outsourcing this week’s advice column to the world’s most renowned scientist, Dr. Et. Al!
AUNTIE README: Hello, it’s a pleasure to have you …
A Letter From The Editor
I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.
POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky
Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.
Auntie Readme was found dead, skewered to the Walking to the Sky monument and the autopsy found that this was the result of several misplays over the course of the preceding days. Now Auntie Readme's first and biggest mistake was getting stabbed 47 times. This happened in the early stages of the first quarter and …
README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan
Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!
We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous issue to prepare it for publication, and upon investigation (which consisted of multiple sleepless nights fueled exclusively by Monster Energy during which we pored over every issue of every newspaper ever written), we discovered that every single one of our writers has lifted their content directly from the 16th issue …
The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues
The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up to element 118. This race, however, has slowed to a halt after the most recent discovery, element 117, tennessine, in 2009. In 2017, the director of Riken, Dr. Hideto En’yo, not only announced that the search for element 119 had begun, but that elements 119 and 120 would be discovered …
README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin
As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s first battle was waged, wars have been fought over the support of the public.
It is because of this new understanding of total war that README is proud to announce its new partnership with American defense contractor Lockheed Martin. This deal follows the announcement of Lockheed Martin’s new Propaganda …
Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School
While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier scientist to educate you on ten things the high school curriculum certainly didn’t cover!
MYTH: Humans only use 10% of their brains.
FACT: Humans actually use 0% of their brains at any given time. We’re more bacteria than cell, and it is the bacterial hivemind that’s keeping the …
README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0
We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and three-half turn long game. But in a nauseating turn of events, RandomBot blundered the king straight into the { x ∈ ℝ | 155 < x < 195 } file, losing immediately to a trivial capture by the rook. The future of rotchess isn't looking good for developer Wade Cheng …
CaPS announces new mental health app
The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie Mellon students are sad :( “, discussed the extremely high rates of depression at the university and possible ways to tackle them.
Based on the conclusions of Dr. Et Al’s groundbreaking paper, CaPS has decided to take action to prevent a further decrease in mental health at CMU. The …
"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say
Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, I present to you my campaign for Water: The Most Forgotten Element (for CMU students). We are in a state where water is safe to drink. Why the fuck are you not drinking it? 122 is not an excuse. Drama is not an excuse. Being in Studio all night is …
Duo Push Goes Rogue
An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will wipe all data on the device being unlocked or accessed. At the time of writing all dining locations have been shut down, having lost all function of their registers (with the exception of El Gallo de Oro, which has not seen any customers since the initial attack). Riots have been …