‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating
February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.
“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they got the previous night,” a startled witness detailed.
Further witness reports stated that the tone of the 2-word statement communicated that the student did not feel as if their life was like walking on a tightrope they could fall off of at any moment.
Officials have described the …
A Letter from the Editor
I was on break :)
Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number
As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up there. The fear of death that comes from doing multidimensional calculus at that height—gusts of wind blowing your notes around, the ledge so perilously close to your study nook, pset deadline three minutes away and ticking down fast—it was really just an immense boost to my productivity. I haven’t been …
A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.
It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.
This policy grants students the ability to assign an unrestricted amount of work to any professor at CMU, or in the state of Pennsylvania. This levels out the playing field by ensuring that professors can relate directly to the everyday struggle of students as they engage in the unending slog of CMU coursework. …
Gender euphoria: humorless humping
Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, wearing clothing that misaligns with an individual’s gender identity, defining gendered features that contrast one’s identity, and seeing oneself in the mirror/ photos (amongst many others). Gender is a social construct built around societal roles, expectations, and precedents for various demographics. When trans people are faced with triggers that typically …
A Letter from the Editor
readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 in the morning, all the awards were revoked, and the prize money confiscated.
With midterm season over, readme staffers have begun to feel joy and some emotions other than stress and pain. However, they've also stopped being funny, so the editorial staff has started employing torture methods like the …
15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation
Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.
A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling ‘the worst curve in 14 years’.
Tensions ran high before the clock started. Students The detainees were required to provide IDs, and a proof of their own handwriting for identification purposes. Under heavy fire from ed, students were ordered not to stress and to get sleep before the examination, …
Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time
13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time
SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.
(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)
SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—
BARTHOLOMEW: Oh! Uh, sorry to interrupt, but can I go by a different name? Don’t want mine on the record in case any rabid tech fans try to track me down.
SAFFRON: Alright, he wants to go by a pseudonym. Sure, shoot.
BARTHOLOMEW: Oh uhhh, fuckin, can …
Auntie readme's Advice
After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with experts in their fields!*
*Their fields being anxiety, mostly. †
How long is too long for a handshake? Am I gripping too hard? Is it too late to switch the eye I'm making eye contact with right now?
Ideally, a nice firm handshake should last until either …
Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department
In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and others at Carnegie Mellon University, came the closest to answering the age-old question of how to alter the fabric of contingency. The previous methods employed by the engineers in earlier studies involved fiddling with various criteria of the apparatuses that make up the bigger picture of the whatchamacallit. What our …
CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72
The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for README, stated that the slight raise in costs was necessary for improvements throughout campus.
One of the improvements the money will go towards is the hygiene of dining options across campus. A recent investigation from the Allegheny County Health Department revealed a plethora of food safety violations. After fifteen …
Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!
Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s reaction also seemed to prove his guilt with him barking and charging at the camera to stop them from recording.
MARTHA IS OUTRAGED
Concerned fans began to tag Martha Speaks, Scotty’s current girlfriend, on the situation on X which caused her to say in a tweet that she …
The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side
Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with adequate rigor to keep them at the forefront of innovation, but it also offers a beautiful campus. With unique sprawling buildings, open walkways, the iconic fence traditionally painted by students, and a library that lights up with rainbow colors at night, Carnegie Mellon is truly a spectacle. One of its …
A Letter from the Editor
Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old laws, we were unable to do that. We are currently litigating in court to be the world's first AI only magazine. We do have some corrections to issue from Issue #1 though. We'd first like to apologize for forgetting to credit on Evie Parke with the icon for the organization. …
Auntie Readme's Advice Column
The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!
should i take a job at lockheed martin if they offer me $300k a year 🤔
Military-industrial complex? I find it quite simple, actually. You and I have very different problems and I am unqualified to advise on yours. I direct you to my official Dietrich merch, reading “My major may not make money, but is too impractical …
The 'car' in Carnegie
Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.
A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et Al revealed that the curbs contiguous with the sidewalks that barely anyone uses serve as a potential hazard towards automobiles passing through, thus the sidewalks had to go, expanding the road’s shoulder in the process.
After the university had finished this construction, Dr. Et Al ran a subsequent analysis, …
Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless
Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU representative stated that Donner will, in fact, still be used to house students both this and next year.
Nearly all of Donner was reduced to ash and rubble except for one lone surviving room: the band room for the Carnegie Mellon Kiltie Band. “It really is a miracle,” stated …
