Readme Gets Absurd

Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Gelt still more real than crypto • King Charles III to consider castling • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • All of Science wrong. Oops • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • King Charles III to consider castling • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • All of Science wrong. Oops. • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions