Alex Werth
He/him
God's silliest soldier and most powerful poster creator
Mechanical, Biomedical, & Secret Third Kind of Engineering, 2028
Bio
I study things that let me build things. I do an unhealthy amount of clubs.
Do not throw food in the enclosure.
Known Aliases:
Alexander Wieland Werth, Alexander Wilhelm Werth, Alexandra Warner Werth, Alexander ‘Wasseranalogon Des Reinkarnationszyklus’ Werth
Fun fact
borger :thumbs_up:
Location
In the nearest pool
Contact
awerth2@andrew.cmu.edu
Latest
To My 8 A.M.s:
Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,
On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.
A truly magical day awaits, that starts at lovely number 8.
—
Up! We are Up! I beg myself to rise At the hour of seven-forty, Peeling crust from out my eyes,
On a magical new Wednesday I have once again arose For an 8 am that I, against all …
A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals
Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”
Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last commitments had all been completely taken care of. For some, final essays had been handed in days early, the letter jotting down a favorite cited peer-reviewed study that "Might just tickle your fancy if you give it a read!” For others, letters contained a scored final exam: only ever a …
Snowman animated by rogue BME students
At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The carrot was heavily cross-modified with mushroom and slime mold DNA. It grew an extensive, prehensile, “...f*cking ‘The Thing’-level gory, just terrifying…” mycelial root network, which became the muscles and nerves of the snow mold the carrot was implanted in.
After a successful awakening, the snowman was relocated to one …
Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167
Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard
Melt lard in bottom of crock pot. Mix beef and venison with salt, add to bottom of pot, brown. Add remaining ingredients, stir to mix. Attach lid with slip wedged in, hide string near handle, bring to pressure, carry to table with rest of family. Drop to floor while pulling string attached …
The yearly CMU black market finals guide
Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.
In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to you after immense struggle and a dash of bloodshed with campus security, is your ticket through. Be warned all you heart-faint, law-abiding, and poorly-hydrated souls: these strategies are exhausting and cruel. But master them, and you will emerge from your exam rooms a conqueror.
Steal, steal, steal. The treasure …