Benner Rogers
She/her
Staffwriter, Artist, Obligatory English Major
Literature and Culture, Russian Studies, DC '27
Bio
Yes, I am a real person. README'S number one and only journalist since 1984
Fun fact
I'm illiterate. Don't tell Eshaan, he hasn't noticed yet.
Location
Wean 5202
Contact
bennerr@andrew.cmu.edu
Latest
CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds
A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a groundbreaking investigation into why anyone would possibly spend tens of thousands of dollars every year to learn how to read, a skill most people learn by first grade.
In reality, the humanities department of Carnegie Mellon is an extensive testing ground for research on sentient AI. By placing AI …
README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin
As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s first battle was waged, wars have been fought over the support of the public.
It is because of this new understanding of total war that README is proud to announce its new partnership with American defense contractor Lockheed Martin. This deal follows the announcement of Lockheed Martin’s new Propaganda …
Duo Push Goes Rogue
An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will wipe all data on the device being unlocked or accessed. At the time of writing all dining locations have been shut down, having lost all function of their registers (with the exception of El Gallo de Oro, which has not seen any customers since the initial attack). Riots have been …
CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72
The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for README, stated that the slight raise in costs was necessary for improvements throughout campus.
One of the improvements the money will go towards is the hygiene of dining options across campus. A recent investigation from the Allegheny County Health Department revealed a plethora of food safety violations. After fifteen …
Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart
An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.
On November 31, 2023, municipal workers sorting through old zoning documents found the original paperwork submitted by Andrew Carnegie to buy the land which would eventually become Carnegie Mellon University. While looking over the historic document, they discovered a clerical error that meant the 32.78 by 15.659 foot rectangle of land around the Fence had …