Benner Rogers
She/her
Staffwriter, Artist, Obligatory English Major
Literature and Culture, Russian Studies, DC '27
Bio
Yes, I am a real person. README'S number one and only journalist since 1984
Fun fact
I'm illiterate. Don't tell Eshaan, he hasn't noticed yet.
Location
Wean 5202
Contact
bennerr@andrew.cmu.edu
Latest
Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect
In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s election in 1880. Michael’s triumph over his human opponents signals a radical shift in the US political landscape; with a record-breaking 1,674% voter turnout yesterday, it’s clear that the American public is tired of the contemporary political landscape they find themselves in. Below, ReadME has outlined some three major policies …
CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala
Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and Chiquita Brands International to further destabilize Guatemala and loosen agriculture restrictions harming US businesses. An anonymous pusher for Spirit has also stated that a new KGB chapter in Guatemala had been a motivating factor.
Named Operation PBBrag, the first buggies made landfall on the beaches of Puerto San José …
README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters
The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally boiled over into an all-out README strike, and Carnegie Mellon’s most middlingly competent authors were taking to the streets in protest.
As the strike went on, Eshaan Joshi was seemingly unperturbed by the calls for his beheading. Sitting on his throne of solid gold README copies, he wore a …
Booths shut down due to OSHA violations
MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival Committee was quoted to have said “What?”. Further interviews with various booth chairs discovered that nobody really knew what an OSHA violation entailed. A full investigation will be held, during which no construction will be allowed. Students have protested the decision by building second booths on both sides of Midway. …
With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training
In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin intensive training on how to steer buggies for this year’s Spring Carnival. The shortest preschoolers will be directed into a gifted track where they will be hand-picked by buggy organizations to begin live buggy steering. Those who successfully compete at Spring Carnival will be gifted free tuition and automatic acceptance …