By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance past industry 5.0 and the 4th scientific paradigm (ever so edging toward stage 1 on the Kardashev scale), it becomes more evident that our technological advances are only a thin veneer hiding away the grotesque reality. Allow me to provide a very personal example, highlighting the dialectic of modern inclusivity.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon on film. Once closely analyzed, a CMU forensics team discovered that the plank was in fact being lifted, but by a 19 year old in camoflage, disguised perfectly against the CFA parking lot.

Further investigation revealed something shocking: CMU's own detachment of the Army ROTC had been building an …

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – the unique, insane school it is – has turned their plot completely on its head.

Texas Instruments professed just one reason for their calculators to completely stop their modification. TI calculators have long had a dedicated, passionate fanbase of programmers and hackers, modding and sharing detailed games and elaborate …

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and Wellness & Meaning-Making Programs and the Ampersand Support Group. In a shocking wave of terrible news, however, numerous upperclassmen have been found dead near the former UHS entrance, piled up like the lanternflies near Walking to the Sky. “I had a really bad cold, so I wanted to come to …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and Chiquita Brands International to further destabilize Guatemala and loosen agriculture restrictions harming US businesses. An anonymous pusher for Spirit has also stated that a new KGB chapter in Guatemala had been a motivating factor.

Named Operation PBBrag, the first buggies made landfall on the beaches of Puerto San José …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, we have the star of the beloved Christmas movie "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York." Despite the strong partisan contenders, we have decided to endorse an independent candidate: our very own Wean Hall.

Wean Hall, built in 1971, is a 9-story brutalist structure just off of the Mall. …

By Alan Joseph • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were intrigued to discover what appeared to be a small whiteboard containing an answer to a programming assignment.

After closer inspection, the homework problems were determined to be from the 15-122 class, Principles of Imperative Computation. Fearing the horrific consequences of what was to come, CMUPD immediately declared a state …

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the most pro-palestine professors will be fired and their positions will not be replaced.

CMU’s contract with chartwells will also be nullified — say goodbye to true burger! We will have False Burger in it’s place — even lower quality food and even less staff.

Libraries will now be …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state of Carnegie-Mellon Republic (CMR) encompasses approximately 0.6 square kilometers, with a 4.8km border, soon to be secured with concrete walls with many bottle-cap-sized holes. Carnegie-Mellon is yet to establish diplomatic relations with any nations, minus one. Scotland has been receptive, and sent a bouquet of thistles to the CMR embassy …

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If one were to simply unpack the “arguments” of former president Abraham Lincoln, one would be disgusted to find an abundance of deceit and trickery littered throughout even the most mundane of speeches. Therefore, I will now proceed to reveal to you a small fragment of his chicanery by meticulously analyzing …

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 that “ Whoever knowingly aims the beam of a laser pointer at an aircraft shall be imprisoned for 5 years, or both“.

As we all sat for years, marinating in our pent up desires to blind a pilot, unhealthy habits emerged - heroin, crack cocaine, etc. Psychologists from Carnegie …

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the Pentagon expected the US public to still remember the massacre that took place 56 years ago. Although finding a replacement for this role was of utmost importance, one can not help but wonder if it was worth it to dedicate so much time and a part of the US military’s …

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out of crime material on campus.

Election Plinko Causes Confusion

Pittsburgh city officials were in a state of confusion when it was discovered that all electoral ballots were somehow replaced one to one with mini plinko machines. These plinko machines had the point values replaced with political parties. When …

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

One of the most significant duties of our department is to navigate the bureaucratic Red Tape[1] necessary to ensure ReadMe, the flagship newspaper and namesake of ReadMe & Co, maintains its status as a satirical newspaper and the legal protections that come with it. Of course, similar to most legitimate …

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email are asked to urgently check their spam folder. The decimation of SCS, as a direct order from our Dark Lord Biden, is likely to commence before the next United States president-elect gets sworn into office on January 25. All SCS students are thus currently forbidden from leaving the country.

…

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque on the wall of La Prima.

However, upon googling Raymond J Wean, one CMU official made a shocking discovery: Wean lived a double life, as a brutal enforcer for the Bonanno crime family. According to Wean's assigned FBI agent, "Wean was a psychopath. He would have killed you and …

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

Regardless, our new goal as a newspaper of high esteem is to report fairly, and accurately on any and all campus happenings. We would never lie to you, which is why we are saddened to report that nothing has happened this week, at all. Please start doing more newsworthy …

By Cindy Gao • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want to know how to make pipe bombs. Even more of you want me to commit AIVs for you in the name of defusing a bomb. Figures, but I can’t even find the terminal on my computer.

However, there has been one problem amidst the slag that has caught my …