By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie Mellon University, by thousands of anxious, imbalanced, and incredibly unhinged students.

You may be wondering where to put your crystals. Consider hanging them in your fridge, giving your roommates a fun little surprise when they go looking for the glowing petri dishes of mold colonies they stashed in there …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to Wean to Hamerschlag
Complained about insomnia with Red Bull in my sleeping bag
I try to brag but sometimes the imposter syndrome gets to me
I'm pretty sure that half this school still wants to go to MIT

But that's okay I know that I'm an academic superstar
I've …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room apartment can be transformed into the soul-sucking hovel of your dreams.

First, pick a building near an intersection with heavy traffic. Mudge, Morewood Gardens, and Residence on Fifth are all recommended locations. If you are living off campus, try to find an apartment complex that is also close to …

By Abe James • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price range for many of us. Considering the heater will only be used for about another month or so, many of us can’t justify spending so much money! But, because staying warm is incredibly important, we here at ReadME have compiled a few cheap and easy ways to stay warm during …

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally torturing and mutilating two unsuspecting anti-plumbers who tried to enter his home. Taking inspiration from the traps in that classic you too can keep your roommate out from entering your dorm(or at least from entering your dorm again).

The first trap is a classic: the incinerating door handle. If …

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally signed up to donate my blood.

Woefully, on that fateful day, tragedy struck. I was filling out the patient intake form, when I was hit with the dreaded question: have you had anal sex with another man in the past three months? I felt a single tear form in …

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your market, and you talk about your businesses and why you love your family (ugh). You have a good reputation. Every week, a nondescript hooded figure stops by and buys 24 watermelons, and their purchases only seem suspicious like half the time. You pay the neighborhood kids twice minimum wage to …

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG

Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

"That's so messed up. My cousin did it on purpose."

"Yeah my cousin did it to a tuna"

"You guys are disgusting. My tuna jacked off my cousin"

Jan. 24

"One of my favorite hobbies is going to punk shows. I linger near the mosh …

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when deciding what color to paint my dorm room. The author has compiled a lengthy list of beautiful shades for interior and exterior decorators alike.

Part 1 begins with a section of nearly-white shades, gradually fades into bright winter grays, and finishes with a set of dry stone hues. This …

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized urban Western-Pennsylvanian universities, of which CMU is the most illustrious. While it may seem complicated to acquire one, Readme has you covered. We can’t guarantee that the cat will survive the ordeal you will put it through, but you’ll have the cat in your possession, that’s for sure.

The …

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all over the country multiple squatters throughout the northern areas of the country have been located. Rather than try to go through the cumbersome, unliberal, and frankly un-American battle of forcing them out of their homes, they have been offered a chance to show how much they care about their new …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. It's not going to happen.

Hunt hints at a fictional queer identity by flashing rainbow lights at night, in what appears to be a display of pride and flamboyance. But almost as soon as it starts, it turns back to white with blue corners, or sometimes blue with white …

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, English-speaking heritage is being eroded. The youths of today bastardize our language. Influenced by foreign, alien forces, they feed poison into our language in the form of arcane and accursed words, diluting the power we hold so dear. They poke holes in our sacred rules, inviting ridicule. And they share …

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past candidates Doug Burgum, Merrill Piepkorn, and Michael Coachman were mentioned.

I interviewed several Carnegie Mellon students associated with the organization. The following are the most significant excerpts from my many conversations (and the only part of each conversation that consisted of words and not a series of impossible to …

By 3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

“WOOORD will revolutionize document writing using deep reinforcement learning and convex optimization,” Fence announced to hundreds of eager investors, “And most importantly, WOOORD bears no resemblance to the paperclip-shaped default Microsoft Office Assistant designed to help users with word processing tasks from 1997 to 2003 called Clippit but known colloquially …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? CMU has restocked everything a struggling academic could need, all the way from notebooks to nunchucks. Sunglasses and SPF 500 sunscreen are half off as students readjust to seeing the burning rays of the sun travelling to and from class. Textbooks on the ABCs and learning to read are up …