By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This violent fever took down the Russian Empire in 1917, the Roman Empire in 476, and nearly toppled our great American Empire in the 1950s. If we do not purge our righteous organization of these 15 communist spies, it will certainly join other nations in a slow and painful death.

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By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

AY, AY! LOCAL MAGAZINE UNDER PFETA FIRE

Recently, a local CMU satire magazine has come under fire from PFETA, the slightly more radical version of PETA, for using the endangered aye­ayes to help write articles. When asked to comment, the editor­in­chief has denied all claims of any animals being …

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest trans­rights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in front of our eyes. While one may not hear anti­trans rhetoric from no one other than the schizophrenics putting up posters that "jews are kidnapping our eastern european Page 2 children" , people who worship today's political equivalent of a golden calf, and pickup truck owners, its spirit manifests in …

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its official re­opening, Scobell House will be closed or risk being repossessed by the Pennsylvanian government to be subsequently demolished.

According to CMU Housing Services, an anonymous student, who is in no way associated with the author of this article, alerted the Pennsylvania government that Scobell House was in violation …

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The police investigation is still ongoing as to whether he claimed the insurance, but from what is known it seems there are several clauses in readMe’s employment contract written in white font. One of these makes Eshaan the claimant of the signer’s life insurance. It seems that this then led him …

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a new national holiday has been created to celebrate this occasion, where we have been guaranteed that every citizen WILL be joyous. I was informed the military will be working around the clock to enforce the festivities, so I am sure all of the strong and sexy soldiers of North Korea …

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with a publication named The Tartan, with RU's student publication also sharing this exact name. "Given our school's namesake, we would be remiss not to pursue legal action in the name of the great American spirit of enterprise and capitalism", explains the spokesperson.

Details for legal action against RU were …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which case you can enjoy Carnegie Mellon from the comfort of your own home, 24/7, on up to three different devices! This place has a long and storied history, as one of the first institutions of higher learning on this side of the Appalachians. From the Fence, first constructed in 1917 …

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to the school that spawned the monstrosity known as the Duolingo owl, has an inscription on one of its buildings suggesting that women should be responsible for “domestic pleasures” or whatever, and has had almost every one of its buildings flooded, and those of you who aren’t are beyond my help …

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of the biggest changes to this contract in Carnegie Mellon history. Read them (or don’t) here.” Below is a non-comprehensive list of the changes made:

Article 2, section 3 now states: “By attending Carnegie Mellon University, you agree to grant Carnegie Mellon University and all of its known affiliates full …

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such endeavors, each student is given a Lab Kit containing various electronic components, such as transistors, resistors, estradiol, and op-amp chips! After the semester ends, students get to keep the lab kits as long as they would like! This poses the question, what should you do with your kit when you …

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth of interesting activities it gets to call its own. Adding to this proud list, a new sport has captured the hearts of CMU students and onlookers alike. Inverse Bungee Jumping, as the sport has been dubbed, involves strapping participants to a bungee cord anchored to the ground, and raising them …

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read this to catch up on all the terrible horrible things that have happened to our beloved CMU while you all were away.

WEB OF LIES In a shocking twist of events, a large crocheted web was erected over the main campus buildings. According to authorities, this web had been …

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What about IDs? Won’t we need to show you our IDs? I went through the trouble of making fake IDs in preparation for college life all for nothing?”, my overactive imagination envisions you, the reader, thinking. Obviously, we won't serve alcohol to partygoers if we see their IDs stating that they …