"Roan Tysh"
they/them
Staffwriter
Undecided, 2028
Bio
Pursuing a BS in Undecided, class of 2028. You'll never guess my name.
Fun fact
My cat's name is Poppy and she knows how you die
Location
Doherty B, in a staring contest with the cameras
Contact
rtosh@andrew.cmu.edu
Latest
CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze
It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.
We attempted to interview one student partaking in the trend on the Mall. "I've started guzzling my clear sloppy style," he stated. "I'm getting it everywhere. Dripping down my chin, my chest, splashing up on my forehead, ohfuck." The student proceeded to slam back a full, dewy Nalgene of cold water, splattering it across the dry sidewalk.
We …
So you've heard of 122?
So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else laughs and makes joyful conversation. They might even crawl someplace dark and quiet, like a sick cat hiding under your bed waiting to die. Wondering why? Well, it might just be 122.
Taking care of a friend with 122 is tricky. You want to communicate that you sympathize with …
CMU Cancelled, Go Home
Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!
Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid
Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.
We've used our decades of collective experience to compile CMU's most comprehensive guide to getting in the kilt of the nearest warm body on campus. You can trust you're getting the real deal: for the 10th year in a row, the Wall Street Journal has ranked us as having more staffers …
A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"
It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the attractiveness of freshmen) confidently strutting your way, smelling like a middle schooler who's just discovered Axe body spray, taking time during every stride to make sure your chest and/or groin hasn't gone anywhere in the meantime.
Time freezes. You've found someone who read the sex guide. Don't bother hitting …